Part 3 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
THE solution for everyone who wants to help body and mind reach new performance levels!
With regular application – no, not application, that sounds too much like medicine – with regular enjoyment of our cimddologically energized water, Cimddyon Water™, [… babble something that promises heaven on earth or even better]
Through the energetically enlivened submolecular hydroxidation of the trillions-of-years-old primordial water and its new loop quantum structurization, you effortlessly overcome the gravitational effects of spatial-temporal distortion! [Nobody understands that? Fine!]
- Jump 10 meters high – guaranteed!
[At any rate, you can still jump 50 times 20 centimeters high.]
- Lift a car with a single hand – guaran-damn-teed!
[Toy cars are cars, too.]
- Perfect for sportsmen: Pure water – absolutely not detectable by doping tests!
[We must be in the market before the Olympics!]
- [What to do about the
lazybonesunathletic ones? Ah, yes:]
You rather work with your mind than with your body? Great, our Cimddyon Water™ also gives your brain a jump start and lifts your thoughts into undreamt of heights!
- Also suitable for alcoholics: contains no hic particles!
The sale will start soon at a super special
rip off introductory price – less than 0.01% of a Transrapid Maglev train line per liter! And why would you need trains anyway if you can jump great distances with absolute ease?
You are interested? You have questions? Call us and
let us talk you into ask us, or pre-register with out obligation: [insert extremely costly phone number here]
And already under development: Cimddyon Water™ Plus – you can even fly with it! [Drink it 39 minutes before you step into the airport… the… the central station, start yourself, erm, you basically start… your flight in the central station, er, not at all, you don’t need no airstation, airport, no ch… check-in and no ten minutes, because it is obvious, errrm.]
[Don’t forget the fine print:]
The effectiveness according to scientific criteria can
never not yet be proven for all many cons glossed-over idiocies alternative methods. The same applies to the silly stuff products described in this drivel advertisement.
Fuck, which #&%$#$ published this draft with all annotations and corrections ?!?
Photo © gajatz – Fotolia.com