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Cimddology

The CimdComp Therapy – better than Bach flowers!

I recently mentioned the “Bach flower therapy” in which arbitrary 38 “spiritual states” are supposed to be healed with 38 arbitrary plant–water–alcohol mixtures. That’s of cause mystic faith-medicine crap with nothing but placebo effects.

Asian memory But there are better cures! Since I’m working with computers in my job anyway, I was able to create an absolutely effective new kind of therapy which much better fits the spiritual states it heals than the bullshit from Edward Bach. I’m calling it the CimdComp Therapy:

the Cimddologic Computer Component Therapy.

That’s right, you’re not using some plant or another, but instead essential parts of modern life – the best solution in these modern times!

Warning: Use at you own risk!
Reading this post cannot replace a doctor!
In case of strong symptoms, always consult a doctor!
(↑ Blah-blah for legal reasons which nobody who uses it really believes.)

The Components

Pick the component that best fits the current state of your soul in order to cure its disharmonies:

Component: Helps for spiritual state:
Processor (modern) Your thoughts are feeling slow.
Pentium processor with calculation error You recognize: “I’m sooo predictable.”
Motherboard You are suffering from an Oedipus complex.
Voltage converter You’re always feeling very tense.
Case srew (conventional) People tell you: “You got a screw loose!”
Thumbscrew You have sadistic tendencies.
Window from side of case Your exhibitionism is getting too strong.
Hard disk Your spine hurts.
Memory module You can’t remember things.
DDR memory You’re a hopeless fan of former East Germany (DDR).
DDR2 memory You’re a hopeless East Germany fan who wants to rebuild the DDR.
Vibration absorber Your whole body is shivering.
Ink jet printer All that graffiti on your walls makes you angry.
Mouse (with wire) You feel all tied and limited in your mobility.
Mouse (wireless) You are concerned about too much freedom.
Space bar You think your room is too small.
Keys L and O You always have to laugh out loud (*LOL*).

hush! You see, some components are used according to the homeopathic principle “like cures like”, others directly contain the solution. Of course it’s my trade secret how this choice was made.

 

Producing the Essences

First make sure the devices are no longer connected to the power outlet.

  • Pick the component according to the table above and carefully remove it from the system.
  • Put the component into a sufficiently sized box filled with dust such that it’s completely covered by the dust.
    The dust is important because the vibrations inherent in all matter are transfered to it and dust is much more effective for this purpose than water (which also would damage the components more).
  • Leave the component exactly 42 minutes in the dust and make sure it’s not hit by sunlight; then remove the component.
  • Take forceps made of plastics (important! metal would spoil the effect!), pick one fluff of dust and potentiate1 it in 23 hectoliters of distilled water. Stir thoroughly with a plastic spoon for 16 minutes!
  • Use a pipette to take 15 drops from it and put these into a liter bottle of vodka. Turn the bottle 8x vertically in a circle.
  • Drink 4 milliliters from it.
  • Your disease is cured!

Now wasn’t that easy? Isn’t that ingenious? What would you need Bach flowers, homeopathic globules or laying on hands for anymore?

:loll:


Photos: Lev Olkha/Fotolia.com, scol22/sxc

  1. =dilute []

Breaking News: New element discovered!

ci Another part of my satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
 


The cimddological super-researchers managed to discover a new chemical element with the atomic number 0.3333…! This element promises various new applications in Cimddology which will surely be beneficial to our bank accounts all of you!

As is common for chemical elements, their discoverers give them a name – we decided on Quarkcakeium. A truly delicious name for a delicate element!

We can already give a little prospect on the new possibilities:

You surely have heard about magnet underlays which are usually offered for exorbitant prices? High price, low production costs, even lower use? Just forget that mystic crap, it’s good for nothing!

Our researchy hyper scientists are already working on prototypes of our new iMayNot and iMayStillNot underlays in comfortable mattress and hammock versions with convincing effects! (Those you can foist magnet healing stuff and similar junk on can easily be convinced by us… *cough* Do you happen to be interested in franchising?)

Furthermore, according to preliminary results, Quarkcakeium apparently can also awaken prophetic abilities! One of our test subjects, after consuming 25 kilos of this miraculous substance, recited verses which easily come close to Nostradamus in terms of clarity and explicitness! Examples:

In the night it’s colder than outdoors,
The carps are flying home, of course.

or

Crouch lim colleague? Buoy, mitigate liturgy.
Phonic gazelle handwritten melt mammalian liturgy, liturgy.

With sentences like these, you really can predict anything, you just need to read into them what you want interpret them correctly!

So look forward to the future!

Blah!

Your personal horoscope

ci Even though this post only got a loose connection to my Cimddology series, it’s still a satire…
 


zodiac clock Unfortunately, the completion of our ung unserer Astro-Cimddology Secundoscope announced in May will be delayed a little (until about the next total solar eclipse in Germany), therefore we offer here your personal horoscope, generated according to the most latest knowledge – completely without costs, without registration, without obligations, without sense!

So just pick the appropriate options – yes, you’ve noticed correctly, we also have a sex option, you won’t find that in newspaper horoscopes!!



Your date of birth:
Your sex:



 

 


(If you like mathematical riddles, you may try to find the rules for how which piece of text is selected… Hint: There are 6 horoscopes, 4 elements, 8 colors, 4 animals, 6 plants, 5+6 character traits, 9 recommendations (for existing days).)

Photo: zager/sxc

The Law of Distraction

ci Part 6 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
 


unbutton Don’t you wish you could make every atractive person of your preferred sex undress for you? But it doesn’t work, these wishes aren’t fulfilled? The mail-order department of the universe can’t even deliver measly X-ray glasses?

The cimddological super research has found the solution:
The law of attractive distraction by undressing, as the full name goes.

Forget the ludicrous “wishing bullshit” * with the “secret” around the “law of attraction” that’s been rehashed throughout the decades and centuries over and over again, according to which you’d just have to wish for what you want, the universe would deliver it because “like attracts like” – that’s all mystical nonsense! No, only we know the ultimate truth, only we know the actual most powerful law in the universe!

Become a master of the law of distraction and successfully order everybody you meet to undress completely naked – it will work! Guaranteed!

(Well, you might have to open an S&M studio with you as dominatrix or master, but then, your customers will definitely obey you.)

Vitruv Many famous personalities knew how to use the law of distraction – including illustrious names such as Giacomo Casanova, Henry VIII of England, or Leonardo da Vinci with his famous drawing of the Vitruvian Man (image on the left).

Or Thomas Alva Edison – he invented the lightbulb in order to be able to better watch his wives undressing. We could continue this list forever – Shakespeare, Victor Hugo, Goethe, Beethoven, Plato, Socrates, Newton, Einstein, to name but a few. Name-dropping always looks good, as nobody can disprove it anyway.

But also for the more simple people, well, for everyone the law of distraction by undressing works. Like Rhonda* who is burning (if not dying) to frankly show Pierre her feelings for him, who see Bärbel more as their hick – they all can capitalize on this ultra hyper powerful law! And you too!

We will show you how! In a small, affordable book series which we will launch shortly – presumably 30 volumes for a low four-digit sum (per page) –, supplemented by a similar number of DVDs, you will learn everything to masterly fake everything in your love life and every other aspect of your existence!

(Fake everything? Aren’t we the ones who fake— erm, well, enough of that.)

Bla!

 


* German book recommendation: “Wunsch-Bullshit im Universum: Kritik der Wunsch-Bestellungen im Universum von Rhonda Byrne, Pierre Franckh, Bätbel Mohr, Esther Hicks und Kurt Tepperwein – auf dem schmalen Grat zwischen Nicht-mehr-Satire und Noch-nicht-Wissenschaft” – which translates to “The wishing bullshit in the universe: Criticism on ordering wishes from the universe… – on the thin line between no-longer-satire and not-yet-science” by Jacky Dreksler und Hugo Egon Balder. 159 pages, Pacific Productions.
Casually and funnily written and yet well-researched by these two German comedians/producers, they tear apart that wishing stuff – just a little expensive at 17.90 €.

Bullshit”, in this context, is also a term in philosophy describing an “opportunistic way of dealing with the truth” or that bullshitters don’t care about the truth at all in the void things they do.


Photo © Cristian Ilie Ionescu – Fotolia.com

Enlightenment with Cimddology!

ci Part 5 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
 


Erleuchtung Achieve ultimate enlightenment! Be 0.9997 with everything! Or even one!

As Master of Cimddological Enlightenment you will be able to virtually turn your thoughts into a cimddological atomic force picoscope and bend the spin network in all 26 dimensions at will! Clear the way to your innermost light!

The path to mastership leads over just a few tedious and absolutely overpriced bargain courses and seminars which really nobody anybody can afford! And the best: The first course is absolutely free of charge! * The succeeding courses will let you achieve easily step by step your 4D and 5D activation up to the 26D activation for all dimensions as well as the education to Microcim, Nanocim, Picocim etc., and at the end it’s just a little step to the European championship enlightenment mastership! Then everything is open to you:

  • Take a bath in quantum foam for absolute recreation!
  • Watch superstring wearers from closest distance without being noticed!
  • Learn to fly without using our extremely overpriced slop our Cimddyon Water™ Plus!

As mentioned earlier, we are always deeply honest, so we have to mention that this education is a little costly – each course costs 1000x of the one before –, since we have to finance our luxury mansions in the Caribbean our research which demands a lot of material and energy.


To support your achieving ultimate cimddological enlightenment, you should also ignore have a look at our additional offers:

  • You have problems finding and cleaning your chakras? Just forget that rubbish and let your chuckras find you! Yes, that’s right, you don’t need to search for your chuckras, the chuckras will find you! (For a “little” compensation, of course.)
  • Use our Cimddyon massage oil – an emulsion with our well-known Cimddyon Water™ – for your massages, it guides and amplifies the vibrations and energy of your massaging body parts; best use your (bald!) head or your buttocks! Who told you that nonsense about the hands transmitting spiritual energy the best way??
  • Learn to use the phases of the moon for you and e.g. impale people you don’t like with the crescent – we will show you how!

You see we won’t skip anything to give you lies solutions for all your life’s situations!

Bla!

 

* plus hall rent, travel, accomodation and catering. Course duration 5 seconds approx.


Photo by Stas Perov – Fotolia.com