Astro-Cimddology – The better astrology!

ci Part 2 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…

Have you ever been annoyed by the fact that horoscopes are always so wish-wash, inaccurate, hardly relevant? No wonder, since all astrologers refer to the planets which are moving in their circles, erm, ellipses oh so far away from us – how should they ever affect us from there?

Suppose Saturn changes his mind about influencing us which electronic store we should go to – by the time this change of mind reaches the Earth’s orbit, the Earth (at 30 kilometers per second!) has already moved on a huge distance!

Or look at the sun – how should a simple gas ball have tangible effects on us? Pah! The astrologers are all wrong!

Don’t worry, the hyper­cimddologic super-research can help! With hitherto and certainly in the future unobtainable meticulousness, we found the solution: Not the planets, no, it’s the satellites and space stations and hundreds of thousands of pieces of space debris that guides our fate by spacetimeless twisting and quantum inn-tanglements – for they are much much closer to us and much harder than those gas balls, the sun and the large planets!

Let’s, for instance, remember Georgia Lass who got slain by the toilet seat of the MIR space station that crashed down on her – now if that ain’t tangible influence! But who got ever hit on the head by Jupiter or Neptune? There you have it.

Another advantage is, without any doubt, the fast earth circulations – the International Space Station ISS, for example, orbits the earth in only 92 minutes, now compare that to the many years of the outer planets! You’ll understand that satellites are much better suited and thus yield an as yet unreachable precision, and so we were able, doped by our Cimddyon Water™ (more about that next week), to make up calculate the influence of Earth’s artificial satellites down to Planck length – one decillionth of a centimeter! – on you, yes, exactly you, you exclusively personally!

(Hey, Max Planck recently would have turned 150 years old, it’s a matter of dishonor then that we use the name of such a famous, often mentioned scientist in our crap our science, too!)

Forget all the inaccurate “looks at the hours”, the horoscopes, not even minutoscopes are exact enough for us – no, we will shortly offer secondoscopes for a true extortionate give-away price! And it won’t be long – at most 42 weeks, the cimddological interpretation of the GPS satellite NAVSTAR 42 most accurately confirmed it – until we can also offer extremestely accuratestly microsecondoscopes!

And since our entire cimddological research is moving in Planck dimensions, anyway, the ultimate goal of a “Planckoscope”, based on the Planck time – a mere fifty quadrodecillionth of a second! – is anything but unobtainable! Well, for this purpose, we might have to launch a few quadrillion satellites into a low orbit (about 23 inches above the surface), but thanks to your stupidity willingness to pay, we will certainly have enough money for that.

So whether your satellite sign is Astra 1F with as(tra)cendent Meteosat-5 or Eutelsat W2 with trashcendent Sputnik-1 or whatever – look forward to the superexactest predictions of your hyperpersonal fate!



Original of the zodiac image © Baloncici –
For the image text wrap (with unfortunately missing images in the feed), see Big Baer’s tutorial.

1 Trackback

  1. jL

    Na da bin ich mal gespannt, wie sich die vielen Satelliten so machen :-) Aber ist ein so erdnaher Umlauf nicht unmöglich wegen Anziehungskraft und so?!?

    PS: es hat keinerlei Bedeutung, dass hier 42 und 23 auftauchen, oder? Ist ja alles höchstseriös!

  2. c

    Och, bei einer entsprechenden Geschwindigkeit und etlichen Triebwerken zur Kurskorrektur wird’s schon gehen.

    Und doch, natürlich haben die Zahlen eine Bedeutung! Douglas Adams und die Illuminatus-Autoren müssen auch schon einige Geheimnisse der Cimddologie gekannt oder zumindest vorausgeahnt haben. ;)

  3. M

    Du bist einfach nur ein fristrierter Spinner,der sich im Internet behaupten will .Findest du sonst keine Frunde ? :mrgreen:

  4. c

    Im Gegensatz zu manchen quasi-anonymen Leuten hab ich’s zumindest nicht nötig, mit Beleidigungen voller Tippfehler um mich zu werfen, wenn die Suche nach realitätsfernen Träumereien nicht das Gewünschte liefert. :mrgreen:

  5. G

    Interessanterweise stehen die Leute nicht zu ihrer Aussage… :mrgreen:
    D. h. sie geben ihre Daten nicht an. Nun… nicht jeder der kommentiert hat einen Blog. Aber ich habe die Erfahrung gemacht, daß alle die beleidigend werden keinen Blog haben… :-)
    Hat “Martina” denn eine gültige E-Mail-Adresse angegeben ? Wahrscheinlich auch nicht ?
    Oh… ich sehe gerade… bei dir muß man garnichts angeben ? Alles freiwillig ?
    Und laß die Leute doch träumen ! Die Realität ist grausam genug !

  6. c

    Ne, sie hat gar nichts außer dem Namen angegeben. (Alles freiwillig zu lassen, senkt wohl etwas die Hemmschwelle für Blog-Unerfahrene zu kommentieren, was ja auch seine Vorteile hat.)

    Ich hab an sich nichts gegen Träumereien, solange sie harmlos bleiben (was ja auch oft genug der Fall ist). Ich finde nur, die Realität – in der Natur, im Universum, … – bietet auch genug Schönes. :mrgreen:

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