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## Cimddological numerology – Unveil everything about yourself!

Part 4 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…

Your name tells more about you than you imagine! Unveil unforeseen meanings and character traits with our easy yet profound numerological analyses! Live error-free with the inerrable recommendations of our errors, erm, research results!

Don’t shy at the sight of many numbers and formulae – if you’re at war with math, you can still jump ahead to the table with the meanings of your very own number to get an impression of the extremest most detailedest interpretation of our super science!

Yes, earlier numerologists who had to do without modern math, calculators and computers had to resort to simple calculations with integer numbers. But we today, as even pupils learn and forget more complicated formulae as wee need here, have a whole bunch of new possibilities to express our rubbish mystic science in formulae.

And of course the natural constants we use naturally provide a much closer reproduction of nature than the so-called natural numbers (1,2,3…).

So let’s start unveiling of the big ti—, erm, secrets of our cimddological numerology! First step: Pick the numbers corresponding to the letters of your name from the following table (which are linked to Wikipedia; the designations appear as tooltips when the cursor hovers above them); ignore any units of measurement.

Letter attributed number Letter attributed number Letter attributed number
A nL J S F
B e K α–1 T c
C IP L U b
D u M kB V tP
E π N G W ε0
F μ0 O σ X RK
G lP P NA Y a0
H Z0 Q ωP Z Da
I kC R VP

Now calculate your superpersonal number using the following ultra-easy formulae.

IMPORTANT: Calculate as exact as possible! AVOID ROUNDING ERRORS!

These definitions apply to the following:

Index V and N: for first (V) and last (N) name (from German).
lV and lN: Length of all first and last names put together, repectively (letters only, no blanks, no hyphens etc.).
vi and ni: Value (from above table) per letter of the corresponding name part.
sV and sN: Number of hyphens in first and last name, respectively.
aGeb: Your year of birth (e.g. 1950).
dGeb: Your birthday as day of that year (e.g. Feb 3 is the 34th day).

First calculate these auxiliary values:

(Note that the exponents of the large parentheses for AV and BV contain a lN and vice versa!)

Next:

And finally:

THIS Z IS YOUR PERSONAL NUMBER!

The following coarse classification is free – a much more detailed breakdown (with billions of values!) will be offered soon for a true extortionate give-away price! [Didn’t we use these words before? Never mind…]

Value range Meaning

Z < –1016

Now you are negative… You are probably a really big supervillain like Joker, Lex Luthor, Magneto & co. or have what it takes to be one – one day the entire world, maybe the entire galaxy will be at your feet!

Are you interested in a cooperation? Our science based on the very finest structures will be able to help your plans in crucial ways – so become a cimddological supervillain!

–1016 < Z < –10–8

You belong to the vast area of common pessimists – to you, the glass is not only always half empty, you are (especially when your number is at the lower end of this range) even scared to refill it.

Try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will lift you up!

–10–8 < Z < 0
(–0.00000001)

Your glass, too, is always half empty, but you don’t hesitate to make the best out of such a situation by drinking up and ordering a fresh glass.

You’ve got potential – try our Cimddyon Water™, it will exponentially potentiate your potential!

Z = 0

Either you are a 0, a dead loss – because you believe such imaginary stuff like this here or any other “numerology” –, or you’re not, but instead rightfully consider all of this null and void and read it just for fun.

0 < Z < 10–4
(0.0001)

You probably have suuuuch a small one* that you have to do something to compensate. You probably already are a superhero anyway (why else do you think they run around in crazy outfits and do great deeds if not for distraction?) or try to be; you probably also bought a large showy and overpriced car.

Keep at it, car dealers and cosmetic surgeons will like it! And try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will enlarge and raise everything!

* You know what we mean: dick. Or if you’re a woman: tits.

10–4 < Z < 1015

Well, you’re in a rather boring and square average-guy range – try our Cimddyon Water™, it will turn you into something special!

Z > 1015

You must have a truly gigantic ego the size of an entire galactic cluster – surely you have enormous problems walking through doors.

If your number exactly equals one of the four range limits that are not 0, you are lost and better start to live on a deserted island after crashing down on it with a plane.

Remember, our detailed interpretation of your number will tell you much more about yourself and offer invaluable help for your life in all circumstances!

Bla!

Original photo © Cristian Ilie Ionescu – Fotolia.com

## Cimddyon Water™ – New energy for you!

Part 3 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…

THE solution for everyone who wants to help body and mind reach new performance levels!

With regular application – no, not application, that sounds too much like medicine – with regular enjoyment of our cimddologically energized water, Cimddyon Water™, [… babble something that promises heaven on earth or even better]

Through the energetically enlivened submolecular hydroxidation of the trillions-of-years-old primordial water and its new loop quantum structurization, you effortlessly overcome the gravitational effects of spatial-temporal distortion! [Nobody understands that? Fine!]

• Jump 10 meters high – guaranteed!
[At any rate, you can still jump 50 times 20 centimeters high.]
• Lift a car with a single hand – guaran-damn-teed!
[Toy cars are cars, too.]
• Perfect for sportsmen: Pure water – absolutely not detectable by doping tests!
[We must be in the market before the Olympics!]
• [What to do about the lazybones unathletic ones? Ah, yes:]
You rather work with your mind than with your body? Great, our Cimddyon Water™ also gives your brain a jump start and lifts your thoughts into undreamt of heights!
• Also suitable for alcoholics: contains no hic particles!

The sale will start soon at a super special rip off introductory price – less than 0.01% of a Transrapid Maglev train line per liter! And why would you need trains anyway if you can jump great distances with absolute ease?

You are interested? You have questions? Call us and let us talk you into ask us, or pre-register without obligation: [insert extremely costly phone number here]

And already under development: Cimddyon Water™ Plus – you can even fly with it! [Drink it 39 minutes before you step into the airport… the… the central station, start yourself, erm, you basically start… your flight in the central station, er, not at all, you don’t need no airstation, airport, no ch… check-in and no ten minutes, because it is obvious, errrm.]

[Don’t forget the fine print:]

The effectiveness according to scientific criteria can never not yet be proven for all many cons glossed-over idiocies alternative methods. The same applies to the silly stuff products described in this drivel advertisement.

Fuck, which #&%\$#\$ published this draft with all annotations and corrections ?!?

## Astro-Cimddology – The better astrology!

Part 2 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…

Have you ever been annoyed by the fact that horoscopes are always so wish-wash, inaccurate, hardly relevant? No wonder, since all astrologers refer to the planets which are moving in their circles, erm, ellipses oh so far away from us – how should they ever affect us from there?

Suppose Saturn changes his mind about influencing us which electronic store we should go to – by the time this change of mind reaches the Earth’s orbit, the Earth (at 30 kilometers per second!) has already moved on a huge distance!

Or look at the sun – how should a simple gas ball have tangible effects on us? Pah! The astrologers are all wrong!

Don’t worry, the hyper­cimddologic super-research can help! With hitherto and certainly in the future unobtainable meticulousness, we found the solution: Not the planets, no, it’s the satellites and space stations and hundreds of thousands of pieces of space debris that guides our fate by spacetimeless twisting and quantum inn-tanglements – for they are much much closer to us and much harder than those gas balls, the sun and the large planets!

Let’s, for instance, remember Georgia Lass who got slain by the toilet seat of the MIR space station that crashed down on her – now if that ain’t tangible influence! But who got ever hit on the head by Jupiter or Neptune? There you have it.

Another advantage is, without any doubt, the fast earth circulations – the International Space Station ISS, for example, orbits the earth in only 92 minutes, now compare that to the many years of the outer planets! You’ll understand that satellites are much better suited and thus yield an as yet unreachable precision, and so we were able, doped by our Cimddyon Water™ (more about that next week), to make up calculate the influence of Earth’s artificial satellites down to Planck length – one decillionth of a centimeter! – on you, yes, exactly you, you exclusively personally!

(Hey, Max Planck recently would have turned 150 years old, it’s a matter of dishonor then that we use the name of such a famous, often mentioned scientist in our crap our science, too!)

Forget all the inaccurate “looks at the hours”, the horoscopes, not even minutoscopes are exact enough for us – no, we will shortly offer secondoscopes for a true extortionate give-away price! And it won’t be long – at most 42 weeks, the cimddological interpretation of the GPS satellite NAVSTAR 42 most accurately confirmed it – until we can also offer extremestely accuratestly microsecondoscopes!

And since our entire cimddological research is moving in Planck dimensions, anyway, the ultimate goal of a “Planckoscope”, based on the Planck time – a mere fifty quadrodecillionth of a second! – is anything but unobtainable! Well, for this purpose, we might have to launch a few quadrillion satellites into a low orbit (about 23 inches above the surface), but thanks to your stupidity willingness to pay, we will certainly have enough money for that.

So whether your satellite sign is Astra 1F with as(tra)cendent Meteosat-5 or Eutelsat W2 with trashcendent Sputnik-1 or whatever – look forward to the superexactest predictions of your hyperpersonal fate!

Bla!

Original of the zodiac image © Baloncici – Fotolia.com.
For the image text wrap (with unfortunately missing images in the feed), see Big Baer’s tutorial.

## Cimddology – THE New Science!

This is the beginning of a little satire series about mysticism and pseudosciences…

Forget everything you used to know about other pseudo- and parascieneces deceptions mumbo jumbo alternative methods – no, don’t forget it, just stop believing it – and learn about our ultimate products and technologies!

With the infallible knowledge of the Wise Elders, Unwhite Veryelders and Colorless Eldersts, the authentic myths of the Skythians, the Greek and Freaks, the Minnoans and Mickoans, combined with over­hyper­highest technologies such as the latest generation of scanning-tanning superhero-force microscopes, we were able to find out how the foundation of all matter and space-time itself, the spin network is working and how to manipulate it at will!

From this, we developed the new New Science Cimddology, the analysis and manipulation of the very finest structures of our reality – better than anything before!!

• Unknot balled-up DNA strings with us and bend them in new ways – to your liking!
• Drive James away from your hydrogen bonds!
• Entangle all your quantums without the risk of entangling yourself, thus controling the flight of your quantum soul into the afterlife!
• Utilize the global or even the multiversal frequency increase to repair your watches – without any “achad, shtaim, shalosh”!
• Replace your old light body with a new energy-saving light body!
• Have your dull elemental particles sandblasted and get them a new fresh quantum-chromodynamic brillance.!
• And many more!!!

You think this is all a pack of lies? Of course! No way! As any other proper pseudo- and parascience, we are of course using terms and facts from respectable, real science to give our flimflam an illusion of respectability… to make our fantasies appear real… to— well, you know what we’re trying to say. And hey, maybe we actually believe the rubbish we’re talking about ourselves!

Since we are always thoroughly honest and would never, at no times, never ever lie to you, we unfortunately have to notify you that this technologie is slightly cost-intensive.

Unfortunately it is a fact that something costs the more energy and money the smaller the objects it examines are – you get a common magnifying glass everywhere for a few bucks, a good optical microscope costs more, a CT scanner in hospitals much more, and so on. And think about the research results of many women who are said to have found a reciprocal proportionality between size/showiness (and thus cost) of cars and the size of the drivers’ genitals.

Also note that we have to finance our luxurious mansions in the Caribbean. Hence, our offers will cost a little bit, we won’t be able to change that, sorry.

Anyway:

Stay tuned and look forward to the many new products and services we will present to you in the upcoming weeks! Your life will never be the same again! Blablabla!!

Bla!

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Original photo woman with tape © Dana Heinemann – Fotolia.com