As many may have heard, some bible numerology loon claims to have calculated 21 May 2011 (6pm local time everywhere) as the day of the Rapture when all real Christians will be taken to heaven. Since I didn’t want to register a separate single-purpose domain for this, I’m using this post to show the continuously updated count of people who have already been raptured:
0
Q: But the count is always 0!
A: Because all this rapture stuff is just nonsense.
A satire inspired by other, toootally realistic offers by a feng shui teacher at a folk high school…1
Did you know that your house number tells more about you and influences your life much deeper than you thought? Yes, numerology is a highly interesting science! The right knowledge about your house number and the appropriate measures will grant you a totally new access to it – to your life, that is, not to your house.
And you don’t have to spend 70, 80 or even 100€ per hour for it – no, I’m offering this service completely for free for your personal well-being, in order to improve my karma! (Alright, the highly recommended additional offers mentioned below are only available for cash, but so what, you owe that to yourself!)
Let’s get to the analysis of your house number – keep in mind that every number has its own emotional quality and energy!
| House number | Meaning |
|---|---|
| 1 | You lucky fellow! Your personal potential got the best prerequisites to unfold freely! Now you only must make sure to use radiesthetic measurements in order to accomplish the optimum energy level and the most harmonic energy flow! |
| 2 | You should seriously consider to tear down your house and rebuild it stritcly adhering to feng shui guidelines. Because it’s the goal of feng shui, taking into account all laws of nature, to optimally guide the flow of energy for you! |
| 3 | The only thing missing to your absolute luck are the right geomantic triangular stone placements – an ancient shaman ritual, even older than Waayatan’s magic tricks! But they must be performed at full or new moon only! |
| 4 | Houses with the number 4 are prone to many disturbance areas under the bed (since many beds have 4 feet) – unfortunately regardless of where the bed is placed. So the only option you got is to put your bed into your (feng-shui optimized!) garden or, if you got no garden (what? no garden? everyone needs a feng shui garden!!), only sleep in hammocks. |
| 5 | You tend to take everything too relaxed. That’s not good for business rooms, since you care about a good work climate, don’t you? But also for private rooms it’s important: At all costs, do use humane colors and shapes! |
| 6 | Your street number causes a hexagon in your thoughts and thus causes energetic blockades. You really have to attend a renowned spiritual healer – now I’m none myself, but I’ll certainly find one in the vicinity that I can recommend. (For a little fee.) |
| 7 | Ah, the 7, a truly msytic number! You only need just one teeny addidtinal energization of your walls, and then you can protect your living area from foreign influences – and all that without any aluminum-foil hat! |
| 8 | Octagonal tensions in your family are virtually preprogammed – only systemic family constellations will help, they will allow you to assume your position in your life systems! |
| 9 | Nine nine, erm, no no, that’s not a good number. You should immediately look for another address – but beware: first calculate the day quality to scientifically determine the best day for moving! |
| others | Look at one digit after another; if there’s a 0, potentiate your efforts regarding the recommendations of the other digit(s)! |
| with letters (e.g. 11a) |
Oh oh oh, that’s very bad for the angelic powers. Immediately put cosmic crystal mandalas on all your exterior walls and without gaps in order to request the free energies from the cosmos! These powers are available to any responsible person at any time and without costs! (Creating the correct mandalas isn’t, unfortunately.) |
| with – or / (e.g. 5/2) |
Consider it an arithmetic problem; if a number with decimals results, look at the parts before and after the decimal point separately. If you |
Remember: “Humans are not, they become …”, so finally become so harmonic and send me half your monthly income for a good feeling! You’ll see it will work! Work for me in any case, that is; it works for you if you really really belive in it!
Bla!
Photo: tsk/sxc
Part 4 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
Your name tells more about you than you imagine! Unveil unforeseen meanings and character traits with our easy yet profound numerological analyses! Live error-free with the inerrable recommendations of our errors, erm, research results!
Don’t shy at the sight of many numbers and formulae – if you’re at war with math, you can still jump ahead to the table with the meanings of your very own number to get an impression of the extremest most detailedest interpretation of our super science!
Yes, earlier numerologists who had to do without modern math, calculators and computers had to resort to simple calculations with integer numbers. But we today, as even pupils learn and forget more complicated formulae as wee need here, have a whole bunch of new possibilities to express our rubbish mystic science in formulae.
And of course the natural constants we use naturally provide a much closer reproduction of nature than the so-called natural numbers (1,2,3…).
So let’s start unveiling of the big ti—, erm, secrets of our cimddological numerology! First step: Pick the numbers corresponding to the letters of your name from the following table (which are linked to Wikipedia; the designations appear as tooltips when the cursor hovers above them); ignore any units of measurement.
| Letter | attributed number | Letter | attributed number | Letter | attributed number |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| A | nL | J | ℎ | S | F |
| B | e | K | α–1 | T | c |
| C | IP | L | ℏ | U | b |
| D | u | M | kB | V | tP |
| E | π | N | G | W | ε0 |
| F | μ0 | O | σ | X | RK |
| G | lP | P | NA | Y | a0 |
| H | Z0 | Q | ωP | Z | Da |
| I | kC | R | VP |
Now calculate your superpersonal number using the following ultra-easy formulae.
IMPORTANT: Calculate as exact as possible! AVOID ROUNDING ERRORS!
These definitions apply to the following:
Index V and N: for first (V) and last (N) name (from German).
lV and lN: Length of all first and last names put together, repectively (letters only, no blanks, no hyphens etc.).
vi and ni: Value (from above table) per letter of the corresponding name part.
sV and sN: Number of hyphens in first and last name, respectively.
aGeb: Your year of birth (e.g. 1950).
dGeb: Your birthday as day of that year (e.g. Feb 3 is the 34th day).
First calculate these auxiliary values:
(Note that the exponents of the large parentheses for AV and BV contain a lN and vice versa!)
Next:
And finally:
THIS Z IS YOUR PERSONAL NUMBER!
The following coarse classification is free – a much more detailed breakdown (with billions of values!) will be offered soon for a true extortionate give-away price! [Didn’t we use these words before? Never mind…]
| Value range | Meaning |
|---|---|
|
Z < –1016 |
Are you interested in a cooperation? Our science based on the very finest structures will be able to help your plans in crucial ways – so become a cimddological supervillain! |
|
–1016 < Z < –10–8 |
You belong to the vast area of common pessimists – to you, the glass is not only always half empty, you are (especially when your number is at the lower end of this range) even scared to refill it. Try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will lift you up! |
|
–10–8 < Z < 0 |
You’ve got potential – try our Cimddyon Water™, it will exponentially potentiate your potential! |
|
Z = 0 |
|
|
0 < Z < 10–4 |
Keep at it, car dealers and cosmetic surgeons will like it! And try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will enlarge and raise everything! * You know what we mean: dick. Or if you’re a woman: tits. |
|
10–4 < Z < 1015 |
Well, you’re in a rather boring and square average-guy range – try our Cimddyon Water™, it will turn you into something special! |
|
Z > 1015 |
Try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will help you be more level-headed! |
|
If your number exactly equals one of the four range limits that are not 0, you are lost and better start to live on a deserted island after crashing down on it with a plane. |
|
Remember, our detailed interpretation of your number will tell you much more about yourself and offer invaluable help for your life in all circumstances!
Bla!
Original photo © Cristian Ilie Ionescu – Fotolia.com
Crabwise via baton/fun with numbers via Pegasus’ Traum I encountered something terrific which I modified to make it easier to operate, yet give it a much deeper meaning and analysis and changed it in my very special way:
Learn everything about yourself with numerology !!!
Simply with your name !!!!!
More than you ever imagined possible !!!!1
More than you ever wanted to know !!!oneeleven
Enter your name to have it kabbalistic-numerolie^H^Hogically analyzed with the infallible knowledge of the pre-ancient geniuses, combined with super-ultra-modern computer technology – but you can also leave the input field empty, then state-of-the-art new-scientific mathematicianmuddrag methods of space energy research will be used to determine your meaningfull number fully automatically! You just have to sit still and concentrate!
Name (optional):
» Click here for all my articles about lotto
Lotto? Again?? Well, thanks to the high jackpot in Germany, that topic is popular – number 1 also in my search request statistics (after my fun post about certain pantiless antics got kicked out of Google’s index [for a few days]). And some enlightenment can’t hurt… in brief:
Lotto numbers cannot be predicted!
More precisely: If your predicted numbers are drawn, that’s just coincidence, because the drawings are random. Those who claim otherwise, please try to prove it…
I came across another specimen of prognoses on miracles.ch (German) – based on “numerology” (Wikipedia article). Or what’s been made to look like it. In addition to horoscope-like spesifications based on date of birth etc. and “lucky numbers” derived from the name you enter (1 for A, 2 for B,… 26 for Z 
), this site with a web design from the last millennium also offers a “lotto number prognosis” for German and Swiss lotto. Quote (my translation, trying to reproduce spelling mistakes 
):
The Lotto Miracles Predition, is unique and Fantastic. Here you can have your personal and current lottonumber prognosis according to numerology generated every week and again and again new Miracles Lottonumber prognoses for the next Lotto 6/49 drawings.
more content in German | mehr Inhalt auf deutsch
Now you are negative… You are probably a really big supervillain like Joker, Lex Luthor, Magneto & co. or have what it takes to be one – one day the entire world, maybe the entire galaxy will be at your feet!
Your glass, too, is always half empty, but you don’t hesitate to make the best out of such a situation by drinking up and ordering a fresh glass.
Either you are a 0, a dead loss – because you believe such imaginary stuff like this here or any other “numerology” –, or you’re not, but instead rightfully consider all of this null and void and read it just for fun.
You probably have suuuuch a small one* that you have to do something to compensate. You probably already are a superhero anyway (why else do you think they run around in crazy outfits and do great deeds if not for distraction?) or try to be; you probably also bought a large showy and overpriced car.
You must have a truly gigantic ego the size of an entire galactic cluster – surely you have enormous problems walking through doors.
