Cimddological numerology – Unveil everything about yourself!

Part 4 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
 

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Your name tells more about you than you imagine! Unveil unforeseen meanings and character traits with our easy yet profound numerological analyses! Live error-free with the inerrable recommendations of our errors, erm, research results!

Don’t shy at the sight of many numbers and formulae – if you’re at war with math, you can still jump ahead to the table with the meanings of your very own number to get an impression of the extremest most detailedest interpretation of our super science!

Yes, earlier numerologists who had to do without modern math, calculators and computers had to resort to simple calculations with integer numbers. But we today, as even pupils learn and forget more complicated formulae as wee need here, have a whole bunch of new possibilities to express our rubbish mystic science in formulae.

And of course the natural constants we use naturally provide a much closer reproduction of nature than the so-called natural numbers (1,2,3…).

So let’s start unveiling of the big ti—, erm, secrets of our cimddological numerology! First step: Pick the numbers corresponding to the letters of your name from the following table (which are linked to Wikipedia; the designations appear as tooltips when the cursor hovers above them); ignore any units of measurement.

Letter	attributed number	Letter	attributed number	Letter	attributed number
A	nL	J	ℎ	S	F
B	e	K	α–1	T	c
C	IP	L	ℏ	U	b
D	u	M	kB	V	tP
E	π	N	G	W	ε0
F	μ0	O	σ	X	RK
G	lP	P	NA	Y	a0
H	Z0	Q	ωP	Z	Da
I	kC	R	VP

Now calculate your superpersonal number using the following ultra-easy formulae.

IMPORTANT: Calculate as exact as possible! AVOID ROUNDING ERRORS!

These definitions apply to the following:

Index V and N: for first (V) and last (N) name (from German).
l_V and l_N: Length of all first and last names put together, repectively (letters only, no blanks, no hyphens etc.).
v_i and n_i: Value (from above table) per letter of the corresponding name part.
s_V and s_N: Number of hyphens in first and last name, respectively.
a_Geb: Your year of birth (e.g. 1950).
d_Geb: Your birthday as day of that year (e.g. Feb 3 is the 34th day).

First calculate these auxiliary values:

(Note that the exponents of the large parentheses for A_V and B_V contain a l_N and vice versa!)

Next:

And finally:

THIS Z IS YOUR PERSONAL NUMBER!

Meaning of your number:

The following coarse classification is free – a much more detailed breakdown (with billions of values!) will be offered soon for a true extortionate give-away price! [Didn’t we use these words before? Never mind…]

Value range	Meaning
Z < –1016 (–10 quadrillion)	Now you are negative… You are probably a really big supervillain like Joker, Lex Luthor, Magneto & co. or have what it takes to be one – one day the entire world, maybe the entire galaxy will be at your feet! Are you interested in a cooperation? Our science based on the very finest structures will be able to help your plans in crucial ways – so become a cimddological supervillain!
–1016 < Z < –10–8	You belong to the vast area of common pessimists – to you, the glass is not only always half empty, you are (especially when your number is at the lower end of this range) even scared to refill it. Try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will lift you up!
–10–8 < Z < 0 (–0.00000001)	Your glass, too, is always half empty, but you don’t hesitate to make the best out of such a situation by drinking up and ordering a fresh glass. You’ve got potential – try our Cimddyon Water™, it will exponentially potentiate your potential!
Z = 0	Either you are a 0, a dead loss – because you believe such imaginary stuff like this here or any other “numerology” –, or you’re not, but instead rightfully consider all of this null and void and read it just for fun.
0 < Z < 10–4 (0.0001)	You probably have suuuuch a small one* that you have to do something to compensate. You probably already are a superhero anyway (why else do you think they run around in crazy outfits and do great deeds if not for distraction?) or try to be; you probably also bought a large showy and overpriced car. Keep at it, car dealers and cosmetic surgeons will like it! And try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will enlarge and raise everything! * You know what we mean: dick. Or if you’re a woman: tits.
10–4 < Z < 1015	Well, you’re in a rather boring and square average-guy range – try our Cimddyon Water™, it will turn you into something special!
Z > 1015 (1 quadrillion)	You must have a truly gigantic ego the size of an entire galactic cluster – surely you have enormous problems walking through doors. Try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will help you be more level-headed!
If your number exactly equals one of the four range limits that are not 0, you are lost and better start to live on a deserted island after crashing down on it with a plane.

 

Remember, our detailed interpretation of your number will tell you much more about yourself and offer invaluable help for your life in all circumstances!

Bla!

 

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Original photo © Cristian Ilie Ionescu – Fotolia.com