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mysticism

Lady Full Moon and her Recommendations

moon “Today is full lady moon”, Wakanda says (German) (found on the BloggerAmt directory), and “today, lady moon still stands in the sign of capricorn.” (All translations mine.) Or im sagittarius, as all other astrology sites I visited (more on that below) say, only from 23:50 on, the then waning moon will be in capricorn, but then the moment of full moon at about 19:30 will be over already. But who’s gonna be that exact with all this astrology balderdash, anyway…

Ah yeah, the moon… why can’t people just be friends with the moon and leave out all the absurd interpretations? As Basti wrote (in German) in his extensive moon calendar analysis last December:

…to the human species’ credit: It’s creative. Doggone creative.

For instance, it is able to, ahead of all other animals, make up far-fetched and thus entertaining explanations for things that seem to be inexplicable at first.

How true. By the way, did you know, dear reader, that, moon-astrologically speaking, today is a “warmth day” and tomorrow a “coldness day”? At least the sites I visited agreed on that, if they use this strange classification at all – which, however, gives them a “basis” for other stuff. So turn up your heating at midnight! (Does it matter that weather services say something different?)

They give many practical tips, of course – you just must not dare to think about them more thoroughly or even compare different astrology sites, God forbid! –, for example:

Hairs, especially those cut off or removed, apparently want to grow back much slower tomorrow (“Good time to remove hairs, they will grow back only very slowly”) than today (“For your hair to grow faster, you should cut them on a warmth day”; both mondhandy.de, and, as I said, all in German and all my translation). Though mondkalender-online.de thinks tomorrow is a bad day for cutting hair, but a good day for removing hair.

But hey, recommending a perm today, mondkalender-online? On a warmth day? Are you crazy?? Since mondhandy.de knows: “Perms hold especially long if they are made on coldness days”, i.e. tomorrow! Same applies to repotting of plants, by the way, mondhandy.de tomorrow (“coldness days are well-suited for repotting indoor plants”), mondkalender-online today. Tststs…

Important: Quickly manure your plants and beds today if the server of astrowoche.de, who recommend that, is closer to your balcony or garden than the server of astrologie-er-leben.de who advise against that!

dirty shoes The recommendation worthiness of dry-cleaning apparently skyrockets from today to tomorrow, and to any cleaning applies: In any case, wait until after midnight with washing your clothes and your shoes, because “stains are tenacious” today (astrologie-er-leben.de), but on the other hand, tomorrow is ideal for stain removal, window cleaning, metal polishing, shoe caring, etc. (mondkalender-online.de), since, as mondhandy.de educates us, “shoes can be cleaned exceptionally well and thouroghly during a waning moon.” Then you finally can get rid of your extreme dirt like on the image on the left – phew, not another week running around with this dirt!

If you have a cellphone with you, avoid any surgery in your jaw area (since that’s what mondhandy.de = “moon cellphone” tells), otherwise trust astrologie-er-leben.de who see a good time not just for jaw surgery, but also for surgery in your breast and stomach area and any aesthetic surgery. Best thing is if you add foot, hip, heart, head, neck, shoulder, shank surgery – but by no means on the bones, joints or skin! (mondhandy.de) –, intestinal and, very important, sex organ surgery into the mix (mondkalender-online.de); if you refer to these astrology sites, your health insurance will surely pay for all of it. Definitely, the stars don’t lie, the moon even less!

But beware, keep your horny skin and your warts! Tomorrow is a very bad day for removing these, especially for the disciples of mondkalender-online.de (who say that)! Unless, of course, you use your mobile phone for that, since mondhandy.de says: “Horny skin removal is particularly easy during a waning moon.” I think a Motorola RAZR (“razor”) is suited best for this purpose.

I won’t say much about the banality of statements like “Ingest a sufficient amount of vitamins and minerals, eat much fruit and vegetables” (mondhandy.de) or “Love: Those having melancholy feelings now must find diversion – read a book, go to the movies” (astrowoche.de), which even do without an explicit moon reference; standard drivel like this can be found in droves in any horoscopes. (If, that is, one stoops to reading them, e.g. for writing posts like this one…)

So in the end, all that’s left to do is follow the “Magical tips” of Wakanda’s (who, by the way, apparently deleted my pingback below her post – is she scared her readers might be overstrained with criticism? ;) ) and bind a wishing braid, and don’t forget, “with every look at the wishing braid you should visualize the wish woven into it as pictorially as possible. They will be granted soon” – yes, we already know that wishing is sooo simple, erm, simply bullshit (German); only Cimddology really knows the solution! ;)

Links of the Week (2008/24)

  • Crazy stuff during the football Euro 2008 (German): Some use homeopathy and tarot cards :roll:
  • Sapere aude (German) proves the statement “You owe me 100 Euro” the way some folks want to prove the existence of god. :)
  • The Surrealist Compliment Generator (via Nerdcore) – e.g. „Fast blinking reveals the true visage of time pieces hidden within your eyes“ or „Your tears evoke a taste as memorable as honey.“

The Law of Distraction

ci Part 6 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
 


unbutton Don’t you wish you could make every atractive person of your preferred sex undress for you? But it doesn’t work, these wishes aren’t fulfilled? The mail-order department of the universe can’t even deliver measly X-ray glasses?

The cimddological super research has found the solution:
The law of attractive distraction by undressing, as the full name goes.

Forget the ludicrous “wishing bullshit” * with the “secret” around the “law of attraction” that’s been rehashed throughout the decades and centuries over and over again, according to which you’d just have to wish for what you want, the universe would deliver it because “like attracts like” – that’s all mystical nonsense! No, only we know the ultimate truth, only we know the actual most powerful law in the universe!

Become a master of the law of distraction and successfully order everybody you meet to undress completely naked – it will work! Guaranteed!

(Well, you might have to open an S&M studio with you as dominatrix or master, but then, your customers will definitely obey you.)

Vitruv Many famous personalities knew how to use the law of distraction – including illustrious names such as Giacomo Casanova, Henry VIII of England, or Leonardo da Vinci with his famous drawing of the Vitruvian Man (image on the left).

Or Thomas Alva Edison – he invented the lightbulb in order to be able to better watch his wives undressing. We could continue this list forever – Shakespeare, Victor Hugo, Goethe, Beethoven, Plato, Socrates, Newton, Einstein, to name but a few. Name-dropping always looks good, as nobody can disprove it anyway.

But also for the more simple people, well, for everyone the law of distraction by undressing works. Like Rhonda* who is burning (if not dying) to frankly show Pierre her feelings for him, who see Bärbel more as their hick – they all can capitalize on this ultra hyper powerful law! And you too!

We will show you how! In a small, affordable book series which we will launch shortly – presumably 30 volumes for a low four-digit sum (per page) –, supplemented by a similar number of DVDs, you will learn everything to masterly fake everything in your love life and every other aspect of your existence!

(Fake everything? Aren’t we the ones who fake— erm, well, enough of that.)

Bla!

 


* German book recommendation: “Wunsch-Bullshit im Universum: Kritik der Wunsch-Bestellungen im Universum von Rhonda Byrne, Pierre Franckh, Bätbel Mohr, Esther Hicks und Kurt Tepperwein – auf dem schmalen Grat zwischen Nicht-mehr-Satire und Noch-nicht-Wissenschaft” – which translates to “The wishing bullshit in the universe: Criticism on ordering wishes from the universe… – on the thin line between no-longer-satire and not-yet-science” by Jacky Dreksler und Hugo Egon Balder. 159 pages, Pacific Productions.
Casually and funnily written and yet well-researched by these two German comedians/producers, they tear apart that wishing stuff – just a little expensive at 17.90 €.

Bullshit”, in this context, is also a term in philosophy describing an “opportunistic way of dealing with the truth” or that bullshitters don’t care about the truth at all in the void things they do.


Photo © Cristian Ilie Ionescu – Fotolia.com