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The Mystical Meanings of Accidents (3)

Satire After we looked into the mystical meanings of various kinds of accidents in part 1 and part 2, here follow the meanings of the thoughts you had when your highly personal accident happened.

Unless specified otherwise, the topic of your thoughts is holohomeoistically potentized, by which you can see the quintessential meaning of it.

These are the seven most meaningful topics of your thoughts:

“I’m the very best!”

There are two options here: Either you already are an energetically reproach-free healer in the name of the LORD without faults in character – then the omnigracious universe tells you with the accident which illness your next client has so you can optimally prepare with the proper vibrations.

Otherwise you immediately have to go see such a healer – preferrably a female healer in Paris – so she can, in the name of the Holy Grail, that is the Ancient Mother, the divine female, take the curse from you that makes the same accident happen to you every day with increasing intensity.

“Gotta have that too”

You obviously lack spiritual-religious guidance because, no matter which specific object or subject you may have thought about, the fact that you had an accident during this thought unfallibly unveils your yearning for a papal guru. But where to find one? The Catholics got their Benedetto in Rome, but Catholicism is nothing you’d like due to its extramarital lovelessness and for being overly realistic. Papal gurus and the matching hypermystified religions of light are not easy to find, you know.

So the best option will be that you look into a mirror and make your mirror image itself your guruic pope. Concerning the corresponding religion, you should be creative – imagine for instance what the result of the Flying Spaghetti Monster together with a teapot filled with living water having the same accident as you would look like. The sky’s the limit of your cosmobiological combinatorial phantasy!

“Want to fuck!!”

feet in bed That’s nothing special, since everyone thinks that all the time. All the same, you had an accident during this thought, and this is of course a message from the goddesses Ishtar and Freya who want to tell you: To satisfy the needs of your meridians you should seek a position (hrhr) in a theme brothel – you know, a brothel with differently decorated rooms ranging from plush-pink to a car as bed.

The predetermined theme for you is of course derived from the kind of your accident. That is e.g. a car bed for a car accident, a paddling-pool when you nearly drowned, or a giant shoe when you stumbled over your own feet.

Exception: You had a sex accident. Then you must wear a chastity belt 24/7 from now on – but a belt made for the opposite sex! This is the only way to re-establish the necesary connection of your Svadhisthana chakra to Gaia, the Living Earth, without enraging your popping biophotons.

“I’m hungry!”

Juicy roast pork? Huge bowl of salad? Part of a sweet tart? Tofu pie? Peperoni pizza? What’ll it be? The cosmos knows the answer, of course: Parts (or particles) of tarts – but no fresh ones, rather those left from when the bakery opened, i.e. primorial particles who provide (even without additional acceleration) the needed primordial energy in your starving intestines. Then it’ll work out all right with the orgonic neighbor!

Or was it the neighbor from the Pentagon? Never mind. At any rate, an accident during this thought is a clear evidence that your mystical-masterly guru future is better based in the pseudo–, pardon, scientific area than in the meditative-mental area if you really want to become rich, and the kind of your accident tells you which specific foundation is the best for your pseudo–, pardon, scientific bullshit insight, books, DVDs, devices, and pills.

“All’s mine, won’t give anything away”

greed You might have thought that de spells were not your nature, but in truth you must join forces with the elemental magical powers in order to achieve your goals in life and in heaven. Thus you should make yourself a witch altar and a witch cooking-pit, and you must also make sure your room is properly decorated: You will get the best feng shui from gold and silver porpoise and gopher figures – the more kitschy-cute, the better; at any rate one of each must depict your accident.

You even could make lots of money along the way by manufacturing and selling such figures (and plush pillows and notebooks and t-shirts and and and…) yourself, that’s gotta have more potential than Hello Kitty and Diddl put together – at least it will have the holistically better vibrations!

“Only assholes! The entire universe is nothing but crap!”

Warning! Don’t forget that due to the irrefutable Law of Attraction the universe will provide you with anything that you wish for hard enough. But would you really want to drown in a heap of shit? Don’t think so, for this would mean very bad karma for you (and it would stink).

The fact that you thought this when you had your accident means that you urgently must clean all your congested meridians, especially your enteron energy must be able to flow freely. The best cleansing method is derived from the opposite of your kind of accident. Example: If your accident was water-related, the cleansing must be dry, preferrably use anthroposophically-ecologically cultivated steel-wool.

“I don’t feel like working”

Your job – probably an energetically very pale desk job – doesn’t give you the fulfillment you’re longing for, so you should quit it and put some color into your life. I’d recommend painting everything pink so your perineal Hui Yin chakra that’s been squashed flat on your chair can rise and you can turn to your new job, or rather calling as unicorn-energy healer with the full pink light’s power of the full moon.

The kind of accident tells you the method you can best heal your patients. But don’t forget that they have to become aware of their illness first – otherwise no healing is possible, as you probably know. So play for a little more time, you’re quite practised in that.

Alright, this is the end of the mystical look at accidends for now. If you got more funny ideas mystical revelations and truths of your own, feel free to comment, otherwise just be surprised like myself what my crystal ball might unveil in the future – there obviously is a demand for such life coaching, since these days someone arrived here with the search phrase “cough mystical meaning”…


Photos: Dana Heinemann; Vasiliy Koval; Arman Zhenikeyev – all Fotolia.com

The Mystical Meanings of Accidents (2)

Satire This is part two of my hyperrespectable look into the mystical meanings of accidents, and like in part one I’m giving you here twelve more essential kinds of accidents.

Ironing accident

An unmistakable sign that the crinkles of your karma must urgently be ironed out. You really should lay flat on your belly and pray to all(!) hinduist gods every day and have a road roller run over you every Sunday. But make sure the road roller rolls at the correct frequency!

Swallowed a beet

This is the universe’s way to tell you that you are truly something special and that honey helps you to rebalance the Inner Truth of your BodySpirit and thus raise your consciousness by at least two comb dimensions.

Broken leg from skiing

Your ski Chi is getting weak. You should energetically purchase an energizing Chi energer device because the revolutionary technology of modern energy medicine eases the removal of your energy blockings due to the perfect combination with bloodletting and cupping of your bank account.

Pinch a finger in an atlas

You got a special relationship with an Atlantis angel – deepen it with several hours of loving prayers, then he will puff at your finger and thus animate the self-healing powers of your body. For strengthening, take the involved page of the atlas and dilute potentize it homeopathically (at least C42) in water and bathe your finger 42 hours in it, because the page and thus the water store the information that streamed out of your finger during the pinching.

Car crash on a crossroads

Crossroads? Cross! The LORD Jesus Christ loves you outstandingly! Just get a few centners of miraculous medals and holy bracelets to channel the healing power of the LORD without detour through your body!

Burn at a barbecue

You must differentiate: If flesh was grilled, the masters of the moon of the fourth season dimension want to tell you that you must become vegetarian immediately to disorient the Vashta Nerada1 (the shadows that melt the flesh). If it was a vegetarian barbecue, the fire angels are telling you that you’re on the right path and there’s no obstacle for your induction into the 27th heaven.

Bump into a door

Oh oh oh, that’s bad. The Seraphim, guardians of the gates of the worlds to the seventh dimension, won’t let you pass in 2012 if you don’t try to improve the situation immediately. Best help are probably the Maya, so watch at least 8 episodes of Maya the Bee everyday while sitting in a Mahabharata Bhakti Yoga position!

feet Trip over your own feet

A German regional word for feet or shoes is “Quanten”, and since these have a special meanings in your life, you should explain everything you do or talk about from now on with quantum mechanics – no-one really understands that anyway, thus it inevitably is the foundation of anything anyone could ever imagine. This also helps you to accelerate your soul on its quantum flight to the beyond to above the speed of light when you die, so you’ll reach the goal before those narrowminded unenlightened guys.

Falling from the changing table

You seem to have chosen the wrong mother during your reincarnation. Probably your willpower was too strongly rooted in reality and thus your karma not sufficiently bioenergized to make the holistically correct choice – so pray that your soul will be guided to a better reincarnation realm on the wings of your unborn siblings as soon as possible.

Stumbling on stairs

That’s a clear sign that you still have problems with your ascension to higher spiritual levels. You got two options: Either you train climbing stairs daily in the highest skyscrapers in the world (completely from ground to top, of course), or you move to the countryside, far from any stairs, and only deal with agriculture, because the morphic fields and acres will provide the universal connection with the desired spiritual levels.

Slipping in the shower

Probably your water was too dead to properly support your feet’s movement. Be doubly grateful (H2) to the water to notify you and give it the love (O) it needs: Trustfully consult at least different manufacturers of water revitalizing devices and buy their most expensive premium models, and immediately connect them to all water pipes in your house. Your health insurance surely will give you the credit you need as long as you wish for it really hard – you know, the Law of Attraction: the universe will give you anything and everything.

Scratched by a cat

Cats are free and independent animals. So it wanted to show you that you are neglecting your own freedom – you should take of all your clothes now (including panties), go to your boss, quit your job immediately and live a hermit’s life in Freedom, California.

These are the most important kinds of accidents. In the next part of this little series, we will see the fundamental meanings of what you were thinking when you had your highly personal accident.

» Continue to part 3


You still think the stuff I made up here is too absurd and exaggerated? So you didn’t cross-read through a few mysticism forums yet? ;)

Photo: Dana Heinemann/Fotolia.com; Nathalie P/Fotolia.com

  1. nothing mystical for a change, but from the TV series Doctor Who []

The Mystical Meanings of Accidents (1)

Satire The mystical meanings of accidents is a highly underestimated way of overestimating events, as a search request recently reminded me. Of course the meaning strongly depends on the kind of accident, and this has to be thoroughly looked into – today I present to you the first twelve accident meanings, just like the twelve is a holy number.

Important: It’s of course significant what you were thinking in the moment of your highly personal accident! In general, the topic of your thoughts is homeoholistically potentized by the kind of the accident; this examination, however, I have to push to a later release due to its size.

Struck by lightning, survived

Let this be a warning: Zeus is angry with you because you occupy yourself too much with science and reality! Immediately start writing three books proving at least three mystic or pseudoscientific theories for a mass audience, so you can kick them evil skeptics’ ass!

Struck by lightning, dead

You’re dead. So enjoy meeting the souls of your deceased ancestors in heaven: Grandma who always fed you that terrible fish-liver oil, Gramps who always spanked you, the granduncle who always tried to drag you in his bed, great-grandpa who was scalped by the Noble Savages in the Wild West, your great-granddaughter who successfully crossed the barriers of space-time through the 5th dimension energetically, and Benjamin Franklin who’s responsible for lightning hurting people due to his scientific work.

Burn at a Christmas tree candle

Christian religion is apparently not the right one for you. Maybe you should look for an alternative, maybe try Buddhism with its incense sticks, that’s quite popular among enlightenment seekers.

Poisoned by too many incense sticks

You always have to overdo things, don’t you? Take care that you impregnate your nose chakra not with violet love energy but with left-turning orgone next time. That will surely work!

Electric shock when touching an antenna cable

Did you misprogram your personal universal matrix, or did you misunderstand the Cablellah Kaballah? Maybe take more lessons from Madonna to be sure.

Rear-end collision at red traffic light

Your body is loaded with way too much red energy – did you overdo it again with laying rubies on your root chakra? You really should re-balance yourself by taking the cyan ink tank (=complementary color!) from your printer and pour it over your head to strenghen your crown chakra!

Fall when repairing a hole in your roof

In a hole-istic point of view, it’s an extremely bad idea to close a hole – you know, that hurts the hole. So it defended itself. Hence, let the hole be a hole and go to the golf course where you can worship the green and love your green heart chakra with melissa plucked from under a bachflowering willow – these provide the best bioresonance.

Almost drowned in paddling-pool

Apparently you don’t care enough about the flow of energy in your maritim meridians, for otherwise you would have drowned in the sea, which at leased would return your energy streams to Gaia, the Living Earth. In the future, keep away from anything artificial as far as possible and live according to Mother Nature. Especially only eat vegetables from biologic-ecologic-dynamic-energetic growing because they have the most Popp-biophotons as Kirlian photos have proven time and time again.

Stumbling over a full beer bottle

A sign from fate, directly from Dionysos! Drink it up quickly and get more – your drunk way to walk will provide you with the correct vibrations and bioenergies with optimally cosmically resonant frequencies!

Stumbling over an empty beer bottle

That, too, is an important sign: In order to alter your fate, don’t drink any beer ever again – sorry I have to say that, but that is your unalterable fate –, for otherwise you won’t be able to ascend in 2012 because they won’t let you get on No-beer-u Nibiru! And that’s something you’re hoping for so very much that it has become reality to you, just like the parking space that you are always wishing for (occasionally even with success).

Cut at a fragment of a bottle of full moon water

You are not sufficiently in tune with the mystical powers of Lady Full Moon. Immediately go to a country that currently has full moon and praise La Luna with subservient middle-franconian overtone singing, then your light body might be able to re-enlighten itself with the necessary full moon energy.

Almost slain by the toilet seat of a space station

This clearly shows that your Astrodynamic is faultily manifested and you better consume lots of bioenergy in order to complete moving your Medium Coeli to the ascendent of the country the space station belongs to. You might add a urine therapy with the responsible astronaut’s urine for good measure.

Alright, these were the first twelve most important accidents and their mystical meanings, more will follow in a few days; I hope I was able to help one or the other. As you know: What’s mysticism today will be science tomorrow, because there are more things in heaven and on earth that are dreamt of in your philosophy!

» Continue to part 2


You think the stuff I made up here is too absurd and exaggerated? Then cross-read through a few mysticism forums…

Photo: Dana Heinemann/Fotolia.com; Corel

Guardian angels cause internal injuries and broken bones

An Australian base jumper’s parachute did not open properly when he jumped down a waterfall – reason for the radio news of Antenne Bayern to praise “multiple guardian angels”, AFP’s German report sticks with the singular, saying “The guardian angel apparently didn’t let him down” (my translation); “the man suffered a suspected broken leg and pelvis and internal injuries”, full report without “heavenly help” in English here.

:thumbsdown: Hello, dear guardian angel(s), how about fixing the guy’s parachute to make it unfold properly? (If you actually existed, that is…) I think it’s rather (unintentionally) cynical of the news writers/speakers to actually praise the “guardian angels” in cases like this, if you indeed believe in them.

(By the way, the jumper may be charged by the police due to jumps being illegal there.)