Another “real” find that is no satire from me… this time from the German newsgroup de.admin.net-abuse.mail (translated by me for your amusement):
A woman, famous for replying to her own postings, posted in a thread that originally was about her problems to deal with spam with her antique mail software (since she says she needs DOS for her oh so great astrology program) a complete horoscope of 685 lines in order to illustrate that a few lines that were formatted as tables with blanks look bad in proportional text. Even though that doesn’t really fit the newsgroup topic “mail abuse” – on the other hand, couldn’t you see such mails full of nonsense as net abuse, too…?
No, not a horoscope – that’s rather called “karma-astrologic computer character analysis”!
By the way, you could abbreviate that as “KACCA”, if you’d wanted to be that mean…
These nearly 30 kilobytes of text contain over 4200 words, nearly 90 lines with many numbers for planet positions and besides much long blather text (which I really didn’t read in its entirety) also 137 lines with brief outlines which seem to follow no particular topical order, even within the same line – so you can find, for instance (my translations):
You could offer sanitary services, are cheerful, easy-going.
So cheerfulness and easy-going is a good prerequisite for alternative practitioners and doctors? At least doctors at hospitals will probably run into problems when they’re too easy-going, too lazy, when you think about their working time…
Your home is nature. It is Everywhere ! Your birth is connected to a secret.
Oooh, a secret! Always looks good. So I was born somewhere in the wild? Or what other connection could there be?
You have a good memory. At some time, you have something to do with seafaring.
Sure, completely obvious that these two things belong together. Note that these sentences don’t follow particular planet positions, planetary relationships or planetary gear sets (with sand in them) as their “meanings” but are listed one after another by the dozen (though they probably are automatically interpreted from (or into) this planet data, anyway).
If you combine some scattered sentences, you get combinations like these:
You design your family life in a harmonic way. You are forgiving.
You mostly release your power at home, sometimes even destructively.
In love affairs you are unsteady, searching an extraordinary partner.
Harmonically unfaithful family bashers or forgiving dish-throwers, step forward!
Also matching the third line above:
You are self-confident. You are proud, faithful and moral.
Unsteady faithfulness, well that’s it! Know that from somewhere…
You are a diplomat, happy, and can make peace.
Your emotional relationships consist of quarrel and tensions.
Now is that a contradiction or the perfect combination, since the diplomat part of the person has experience in quarrels – even though (s)he can use these only outside of her/his emotional relationships?
The best one, I think, is this one:
You have a notedly strong intellect and are able to express your thoughts and formulate them in scientific ways.
And that’s what the astrologer (or the program) writes directly to astrology believers!
» Earlier posts about “The art of astrologers” (lower part) and “trustworthy horoscopes”.
» Skeptic’s Dictionary: Astrology.
Part 4 of my little 
Your name tells more about you than you imagine! Unveil unforeseen meanings and character traits with our easy yet profound numerological analyses! Live error-free with the inerrable recommendations of our errors, erm, research results!
So let’s start unveiling of the big ti—, erm, secrets of our cimddological numerology! First step: Pick the numbers corresponding to the letters of your name from the following table (which are linked to Wikipedia; the designations appear as tooltips when the cursor hovers above them); ignore any units of measurement.
Now you are negative… You are probably a really big supervillain like Joker, Lex Luthor, Magneto & co. or have what it takes to be one – one day the entire world, maybe the entire galaxy will be at your feet!
Your glass, too, is always half empty, but you don’t hesitate to make the best out of such a situation by drinking up and ordering a fresh glass.
Either you are a 0, a dead loss – because you believe such imaginary stuff like this here or any other “numerology” –, or you’re not, but instead rightfully consider all of this null and void and read it just for fun.
You probably have suuuuch a small one* that you have to do something to compensate. You probably already are a superhero anyway (why else do you think they run around in crazy outfits and do great deeds if not for distraction?) or try to be; you probably also bought a large showy and overpriced car.
You must have a truly gigantic ego the size of an entire galactic cluster – surely you have enormous problems walking through doors.
The sale will start soon at a super special