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Science

Cimddyon Water™ – New energy for you!

ci Part 3 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
 


THE solution for everyone who wants to help body and mind reach new performance levels!

With regular application – no, not application, that sounds too much like medicine – with regular enjoyment of our cimddologically energized water, Cimddyon Water™, [… babble something that promises heaven on earth or even better]

Through the energetically enlivened submolecular hydroxidation of the trillions-of-years-old primordial water and its new loop quantum structurization, you effortlessly overcome the gravitational effects of spatial-temporal distortion! [Nobody understands that? Fine!]

  • Jump 10 meters high – guaranteed!
    [At any rate, you can still jump 50 times 20 centimeters high.]
  • Lift a car with a single hand – guaran-damn-teed!
    [Toy cars are cars, too.]
  • Perfect for sportsmen: Pure water – absolutely not detectable by doping tests!
    [We must be in the market before the Olympics!]
  • [What to do about the lazybones unathletic ones? Ah, yes:]
    You rather work with your mind than with your body? Great, our Cimddyon Water™ also gives your brain a jump start and lifts your thoughts into undreamt of heights!
  • Also suitable for alcoholics: contains no hic particles!

no image The sale will start soon at a super special rip off introductory price – less than 0.01% of a Transrapid Maglev train line per liter! And why would you need trains anyway if you can jump great distances with absolute ease?

You are interested? You have questions? Call us and let us talk you into ask us, or pre-register without obligation: [insert extremely costly phone number here]

And already under development: Cimddyon Water™ Plus – you can even fly with it! [Drink it 39 minutes before you step into the airport… the… the central station, start yourself, erm, you basically start… your flight in the central station, er, not at all, you don’t need no airstation, airport, no ch… check-in and no ten minutes, because it is obvious, errrm.]

[Don’t forget the fine print:]

The effectiveness according to scientific criteria can never not yet be proven for all many cons glossed-over idiocies alternative methods. The same applies to the silly stuff products described in this drivel advertisement.

 

Fuck, which #&%$#$ published this draft with all annotations and corrections ?!?

 


Photo © gajatz – Fotolia.com

“On the trail of afterlife” – or not

light tunnel First, Rolf Froböse advertises on WELT Online (German) his book “Die geheime Physik des Zufalls. Quantenphänomene und Schicksal” (translates to “The secret physics of coincidences. Quantum phenomena and fate”; publisher: Books on Demand), the scientifically apparently more than doubtful content Ulrich Berger already mentioned (German), and Kamenin wrote a scientific introduction in quantum physics, entanglement and the lies of mysticism (yeah, also German) – now the current edition of the big German TV magazine Hörzu (no. 20 from 9 May 2008) joins in and advertises “Lucy im Licht – dem Jenseits auf der Spur” by Markolf H. Niemz (translates to “Lucy in the light – on the trail of afterlife”; » book’s website) in a two-page article, a book with a similar topic (I read neither of these books, though, I won’t waste time and money on that – oh, and all translations are mine):

For many religions, “Life after death” is beyond dispute. In the mean time, however, even physicists are convinced of it — there is even initial experimental evidence

Well, that’s what they’d like…

Markolf Niemz, who also had TV and radio appearances for spreading his “theories” (I remember one on SWR1 Leute before Easter – also available as Podcast (28 min.), all German, of course), is admittedly a physicist “with a chair for medical technology at the Universtity of Heidelberg”, but neither on the book’s website nor in his Wikipedia article I cannot find any mention of any experiences in relativity or quantum mechanics.

Which, I think, can not least easily be seen in strange analogies like this about near-death experiences:

“People concurrently report they were flying through a tunnel at extremely high speeds, heading for a blazing light at its end. A surprizing parallel to the theory of relativity, which predicts that when moving at the speed of light, you fly through a dark tunnel towards a bright light – and space and time come to an end.” The logical conclusion: “Spirit, soul, whatever you want to call it, continue to exist in an (as yet) intangible area of the world or the universe forever.”

logic What a persuasive logic! With the same right you could also say: The sun is blazingly bright and creates that brightness with nuclear fusion. A (strong) flashlight is also blazingly bright. Logical conclusion: A flashlight operates on nuclear fusion. Or vice versa, the sun works with batteries. I somehow see more causality in these “conclusions” than in above quote…

Or: (Decisive) football matches often go into extra time. Spammers say each penis needs extra length. Logical conclusion: Football players continue to exist as e-mails in an (as yet) intangible area of the internet forever. ;)

Or: Well, the German word “Blüte” (blossom) is also used colloquially for counterfeit money, so in German, I concluded: these are growing on meadows and trees, and can also be found in your wallet (if you’re unlucky). So when blossoms wilt, they become counterfeit money (in German)…

Absurd? Yes! But more absurd than above quote from the Niemz article …?

On with the text. That from the aforementioned SWR1 broadcast, in this case; there it says:

Many signs, Niemz says, show that the soul is accelerated to the speed of light at the time of death.

Which, by the way, is not just an oversimplifying summary of the people at SWR, but was also said like this in the show itself.

faith Now I’m not a physicist, just a scientifically interested layman, so the experts may correct me if necessary, but as far as I know, there are two kinds of particles for what’s concerned here, two kinds that we, earth etc. are made of and which are needed for interaction: those without rest mass which always move at the speed of light and never become slower (photons, i.e. the light particles), and those with a rest mass (electrons, hadrons, etc.) which are always slower and can never be accelerated to the speed of light (since you’d require an infinite amount of energy for that). So if Niemz & co. would like to explain the soul in such ways based on relativity and quantums, they shouldn’t forget facts like these, and in general show more scientific elaborateness. But, well, then they’d have to do without statements with similar public appeal…

Niemz also regrets (in the SWR1 show) that “mysticism got a negative touch” – well, guess why? – and it’s “his goal to remain on scientific ground”. Not too solid a ground, I think. “Everything Lucy writes is not contradicting current science”? Well, maybe his understanding of science…

A perfectly matching quote, in my opinion, from a comment by Lars Fischer on the Brainlog Everyday Psychology (yes, also German, also my translation):

I suppose this is simply the well-known fool’s syllogism: I understand nothing about the soul and I understand nothing about quantum mechanics, so these two things must be related.

blue fibers The Entanglement of elementary particles, the wave–particle duality and “quantum properties” of the brain – naturally also mentioned in the Hörzu article, like a well-mixed stew, as well as Froböse and his book are also quoted – seem to form a welcome pretended scientific base in the phantasies of authors like these for alledged afterlife, a soul, telepathy and the like. Add a hint of actual, respectable experiments like those by Anton Zeilinger about quantum entanglement in order to “prove” that stuff – which of course only works with a lot of “selective perception”; when you take a closer look with the required meticulousness, though, such “theories” easily fall down like a house of unentangled cards.

Well, many people wish for an immortal soul, an afterlife, a beyond, and in addition or as replacement for the major religions and their church organizations, such constructs of ideas based on (pseudo-)scientific foundations may be appealing to the authors and to the public which is hopefully willing to pay for them.

Whether it’s the catering to the dreams and yearnings of the people, a “missionary work” or persuasion attempts or simply a rip-off, doesn’t matter that much in the end – if science is abused as explanation for fantasy dreams despite not yielding the claimed foundations – or as Kamenin had said it, “any mystic, religious or spiritual claims basically just try to spread nonsense when referring to a physical phenomenon” –, it annoys (not only) me all the more.

:arrow: The adequate closing words come from Niemz’ own statement (on SWR1) which, though mainly referring to the missionary work by churches, is also fitting to his books:

“So critically question and think yourself.”

 

Astro-Cimddology – The better astrology!

ci Part 2 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
 


Have you ever been annoyed by the fact that horoscopes are always so wish-wash, inaccurate, hardly relevant? No wonder, since all astrologers refer to the planets which are moving in their circles, erm, ellipses oh so far away from us – how should they ever affect us from there?

Suppose Saturn changes his mind about influencing us which electronic store we should go to – by the time this change of mind reaches the Earth’s orbit, the Earth (at 30 kilometers per second!) has already moved on a huge distance!

Or look at the sun – how should a simple gas ball have tangible effects on us? Pah! The astrologers are all wrong!

Don’t worry, the hyper­cimddologic super-research can help! With hitherto and certainly in the future unobtainable meticulousness, we found the solution: Not the planets, no, it’s the satellites and space stations and hundreds of thousands of pieces of space debris that guides our fate by spacetimeless twisting and quantum inn-tanglements – for they are much much closer to us and much harder than those gas balls, the sun and the large planets!

Let’s, for instance, remember Georgia Lass who got slain by the toilet seat of the MIR space station that crashed down on her – now if that ain’t tangible influence! But who got ever hit on the head by Jupiter or Neptune? There you have it.

Another advantage is, without any doubt, the fast earth circulations – the International Space Station ISS, for example, orbits the earth in only 92 minutes, now compare that to the many years of the outer planets! You’ll understand that satellites are much better suited and thus yield an as yet unreachable precision, and so we were able, doped by our Cimddyon Water™ (more about that next week), to make up calculate the influence of Earth’s artificial satellites down to Planck length – one decillionth of a centimeter! – on you, yes, exactly you, you exclusively personally!

(Hey, Max Planck recently would have turned 150 years old, it’s a matter of dishonor then that we use the name of such a famous, often mentioned scientist in our crap our science, too!)

Forget all the inaccurate “looks at the hours”, the horoscopes, not even minutoscopes are exact enough for us – no, we will shortly offer secondoscopes for a true extortionate give-away price! And it won’t be long – at most 42 weeks, the cimddological interpretation of the GPS satellite NAVSTAR 42 most accurately confirmed it – until we can also offer extremestely accuratestly microsecondoscopes!

And since our entire cimddological research is moving in Planck dimensions, anyway, the ultimate goal of a “Planckoscope”, based on the Planck time – a mere fifty quadrodecillionth of a second! – is anything but unobtainable! Well, for this purpose, we might have to launch a few quadrillion satellites into a low orbit (about 23 inches above the surface), but thanks to your stupidity willingness to pay, we will certainly have enough money for that.

So whether your satellite sign is Astra 1F with as(tra)cendent Meteosat-5 or Eutelsat W2 with trashcendent Sputnik-1 or whatever – look forward to the superexactest predictions of your hyperpersonal fate!

Bla!

 


Original of the zodiac image © Baloncici – Fotolia.com.
For the image text wrap (with unfortunately missing images in the feed), see Big Baer’s tutorial.

Links of the Week (2008/18)

All are German this week, sorry…

  1. Update 5.9.11: Link geändert, der urspr. ist derzeit/mittlerweile nicht öffentlich zugänglich ↺