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Science

Enlightenment with Cimddology!

ci Part 5 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
 


Erleuchtung Achieve ultimate enlightenment! Be 0.9997 with everything! Or even one!

As Master of Cimddological Enlightenment you will be able to virtually turn your thoughts into a cimddological atomic force picoscope and bend the spin network in all 26 dimensions at will! Clear the way to your innermost light!

The path to mastership leads over just a few tedious and absolutely overpriced bargain courses and seminars which really nobody anybody can afford! And the best: The first course is absolutely free of charge! * The succeeding courses will let you achieve easily step by step your 4D and 5D activation up to the 26D activation for all dimensions as well as the education to Microcim, Nanocim, Picocim etc., and at the end it’s just a little step to the European championship enlightenment mastership! Then everything is open to you:

  • Take a bath in quantum foam for absolute recreation!
  • Watch superstring wearers from closest distance without being noticed!
  • Learn to fly without using our extremely overpriced slop our Cimddyon Water™ Plus!

As mentioned earlier, we are always deeply honest, so we have to mention that this education is a little costly – each course costs 1000x of the one before –, since we have to finance our luxury mansions in the Caribbean our research which demands a lot of material and energy.


To support your achieving ultimate cimddological enlightenment, you should also ignore have a look at our additional offers:

  • You have problems finding and cleaning your chakras? Just forget that rubbish and let your chuckras find you! Yes, that’s right, you don’t need to search for your chuckras, the chuckras will find you! (For a “little” compensation, of course.)
  • Use our Cimddyon massage oil – an emulsion with our well-known Cimddyon Water™ – for your massages, it guides and amplifies the vibrations and energy of your massaging body parts; best use your (bald!) head or your buttocks! Who told you that nonsense about the hands transmitting spiritual energy the best way??
  • Learn to use the phases of the moon for you and e.g. impale people you don’t like with the crescent – we will show you how!

You see we won’t skip anything to give you lies solutions for all your life’s situations!

Bla!

 

* plus hall rent, travel, accomodation and catering. Course duration 5 seconds approx.


Photo by Stas Perov – Fotolia.com

Cimddological numerology – Unveil everything about yourself!

ci Part 4 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
 


sexy 23 Your name tells more about you than you imagine! Unveil unforeseen meanings and character traits with our easy yet profound numerological analyses! Live error-free with the inerrable recommendations of our errors, erm, research results!

Don’t shy at the sight of many numbers and formulae – if you’re at war with math, you can still jump ahead to the table with the meanings of your very own number to get an impression of the extremest most detailedest interpretation of our super science!

Yes, earlier numerologists who had to do without modern math, calculators and computers had to resort to simple calculations with integer numbers. But we today, as even pupils learn and forget more complicated formulae as wee need here, have a whole bunch of new possibilities to express our rubbish mystic science in formulae.

And of course the natural constants we use naturally provide a much closer reproduction of nature than the so-called natural numbers (1,2,3…).

sexy 42 So let’s start unveiling of the big ti—, erm, secrets of our cimddological numerology! First step: Pick the numbers corresponding to the letters of your name from the following table (which are linked to Wikipedia; the designations appear as tooltips when the cursor hovers above them); ignore any units of measurement.

Letter attributed number Letter attributed number Letter attributed number
A nL J S F
B e K α–1 T c
C IP L U b
D u M kB V tP
E π N G W ε0
F μ0 O σ X RK
G lP P NA Y a0
H Z0 Q ωP Z Da
I kC R VP

Now calculate your superpersonal number using the following ultra-easy formulae.

IMPORTANT: Calculate as exact as possible! AVOID ROUNDING ERRORS!

These definitions apply to the following:

Index V and N: for first (V) and last (N) name (from German).
lV and lN: Length of all first and last names put together, repectively (letters only, no blanks, no hyphens etc.).
vi and ni: Value (from above table) per letter of the corresponding name part.
sV and sN: Number of hyphens in first and last name, respectively.
aGeb: Your year of birth (e.g. 1950).
dGeb: Your birthday as day of that year (e.g. Feb 3 is the 34th day).

First calculate these auxiliary values:
A_V
B_V

A_N
B_N
(Note that the exponents of the large parentheses for AV and BV contain a lN and vice versa!)

Next:
C_V
C_N

And finally:
Z

THIS Z IS YOUR PERSONAL NUMBER!

Meaning of your number:

The following coarse classification is free – a much more detailed breakdown (with billions of values!) will be offered soon for a true extortionate give-away price! [Didn’t we use these words before? Never mind…]

Value range Meaning

Z < –1016
(–10 quadrillion)

sexy 16 Now you are negative… You are probably a really big supervillain like Joker, Lex Luthor, Magneto & co. or have what it takes to be one – one day the entire world, maybe the entire galaxy will be at your feet!

Are you interested in a cooperation? Our science based on the very finest structures will be able to help your plans in crucial ways – so become a cimddological supervillain!

–1016 < Z < –10–8

You belong to the vast area of common pessimists – to you, the glass is not only always half empty, you are (especially when your number is at the lower end of this range) even scared to refill it.

Try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will lift you up!

–10–8 < Z < 0
(–0.00000001)

sexy 8 Your glass, too, is always half empty, but you don’t hesitate to make the best out of such a situation by drinking up and ordering a fresh glass.

You’ve got potential – try our Cimddyon Water™, it will exponentially potentiate your potential!

Z = 0

sexy 0 Either you are a 0, a dead loss – because you believe such imaginary stuff like this here or any other “numerology” –, or you’re not, but instead rightfully consider all of this null and void and read it just for fun.

0 < Z < 10–4
(0.0001)

sexy 4 You probably have suuuuch a small one* that you have to do something to compensate. You probably already are a superhero anyway (why else do you think they run around in crazy outfits and do great deeds if not for distraction?) or try to be; you probably also bought a large showy and overpriced car.

Keep at it, car dealers and cosmetic surgeons will like it! And try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will enlarge and raise everything!

* You know what we mean: dick. Or if you’re a woman: tits.

10–4 < Z < 1015

Well, you’re in a rather boring and square average-guy range – try our Cimddyon Water™, it will turn you into something special!

Z > 1015
(1 quadrillion)

sexy 15 You must have a truly gigantic ego the size of an entire galactic cluster – surely you have enormous problems walking through doors.

Try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will help you be more level-headed!

If your number exactly equals one of the four range limits that are not 0, you are lost and better start to live on a deserted island after crashing down on it with a plane.

 

Remember, our detailed interpretation of your number will tell you much more about yourself and offer invaluable help for your life in all circumstances!

Bla!

 


Original photo © Cristian Ilie Ionescu – Fotolia.com

Cimddyon Water™ – New energy for you!

ci Part 3 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
 


THE solution for everyone who wants to help body and mind reach new performance levels!

With regular application – no, not application, that sounds too much like medicine – with regular enjoyment of our cimddologically energized water, Cimddyon Water™, [… babble something that promises heaven on earth or even better]

Through the energetically enlivened submolecular hydroxidation of the trillions-of-years-old primordial water and its new loop quantum structurization, you effortlessly overcome the gravitational effects of spatial-temporal distortion! [Nobody understands that? Fine!]

  • Jump 10 meters high – guaranteed!
    [At any rate, you can still jump 50 times 20 centimeters high.]
  • Lift a car with a single hand – guaran-damn-teed!
    [Toy cars are cars, too.]
  • Perfect for sportsmen: Pure water – absolutely not detectable by doping tests!
    [We must be in the market before the Olympics!]
  • [What to do about the lazybones unathletic ones? Ah, yes:]
    You rather work with your mind than with your body? Great, our Cimddyon Water™ also gives your brain a jump start and lifts your thoughts into undreamt of heights!
  • Also suitable for alcoholics: contains no hic particles!

no image The sale will start soon at a super special rip off introductory price – less than 0.01% of a Transrapid Maglev train line per liter! And why would you need trains anyway if you can jump great distances with absolute ease?

You are interested? You have questions? Call us and let us talk you into ask us, or pre-register without obligation: [insert extremely costly phone number here]

And already under development: Cimddyon Water™ Plus – you can even fly with it! [Drink it 39 minutes before you step into the airport… the… the central station, start yourself, erm, you basically start… your flight in the central station, er, not at all, you don’t need no airstation, airport, no ch… check-in and no ten minutes, because it is obvious, errrm.]

[Don’t forget the fine print:]

The effectiveness according to scientific criteria can never not yet be proven for all many cons glossed-over idiocies alternative methods. The same applies to the silly stuff products described in this drivel advertisement.

 

Fuck, which #&%$#$ published this draft with all annotations and corrections ?!?

 


Photo © gajatz – Fotolia.com

“On the trail of afterlife” – or not

light tunnel First, Rolf Froböse advertises on WELT Online (German) his book “Die geheime Physik des Zufalls. Quantenphänomene und Schicksal” (translates to “The secret physics of coincidences. Quantum phenomena and fate”; publisher: Books on Demand), the scientifically apparently more than doubtful content Ulrich Berger already mentioned (German), and Kamenin wrote a scientific introduction in quantum physics, entanglement and the lies of mysticism (yeah, also German) – now the current edition of the big German TV magazine Hörzu (no. 20 from 9 May 2008) joins in and advertises “Lucy im Licht – dem Jenseits auf der Spur” by Markolf H. Niemz (translates to “Lucy in the light – on the trail of afterlife”; » book’s website) in a two-page article, a book with a similar topic (I read neither of these books, though, I won’t waste time and money on that – oh, and all translations are mine):

For many religions, “Life after death” is beyond dispute. In the mean time, however, even physicists are convinced of it — there is even initial experimental evidence

Well, that’s what they’d like…

Markolf Niemz, who also had TV and radio appearances for spreading his “theories” (I remember one on SWR1 Leute before Easter – also available as Podcast (28 min.), all German, of course), is admittedly a physicist “with a chair for medical technology at the Universtity of Heidelberg”, but neither on the book’s website nor in his Wikipedia article I cannot find any mention of any experiences in relativity or quantum mechanics.

Which, I think, can not least easily be seen in strange analogies like this about near-death experiences:

“People concurrently report they were flying through a tunnel at extremely high speeds, heading for a blazing light at its end. A surprizing parallel to the theory of relativity, which predicts that when moving at the speed of light, you fly through a dark tunnel towards a bright light – and space and time come to an end.” The logical conclusion: “Spirit, soul, whatever you want to call it, continue to exist in an (as yet) intangible area of the world or the universe forever.”

logic What a persuasive logic! With the same right you could also say: The sun is blazingly bright and creates that brightness with nuclear fusion. A (strong) flashlight is also blazingly bright. Logical conclusion: A flashlight operates on nuclear fusion. Or vice versa, the sun works with batteries. I somehow see more causality in these “conclusions” than in above quote…

Or: (Decisive) football matches often go into extra time. Spammers say each penis needs extra length. Logical conclusion: Football players continue to exist as e-mails in an (as yet) intangible area of the internet forever. ;)

Or: Well, the German word “Blüte” (blossom) is also used colloquially for counterfeit money, so in German, I concluded: these are growing on meadows and trees, and can also be found in your wallet (if you’re unlucky). So when blossoms wilt, they become counterfeit money (in German)…

Absurd? Yes! But more absurd than above quote from the Niemz article …?

On with the text. That from the aforementioned SWR1 broadcast, in this case; there it says:

Many signs, Niemz says, show that the soul is accelerated to the speed of light at the time of death.

Which, by the way, is not just an oversimplifying summary of the people at SWR, but was also said like this in the show itself.

faith Now I’m not a physicist, just a scientifically interested layman, so the experts may correct me if necessary, but as far as I know, there are two kinds of particles for what’s concerned here, two kinds that we, earth etc. are made of and which are needed for interaction: those without rest mass which always move at the speed of light and never become slower (photons, i.e. the light particles), and those with a rest mass (electrons, hadrons, etc.) which are always slower and can never be accelerated to the speed of light (since you’d require an infinite amount of energy for that). So if Niemz & co. would like to explain the soul in such ways based on relativity and quantums, they shouldn’t forget facts like these, and in general show more scientific elaborateness. But, well, then they’d have to do without statements with similar public appeal…

Niemz also regrets (in the SWR1 show) that “mysticism got a negative touch” – well, guess why? – and it’s “his goal to remain on scientific ground”. Not too solid a ground, I think. “Everything Lucy writes is not contradicting current science”? Well, maybe his understanding of science…

A perfectly matching quote, in my opinion, from a comment by Lars Fischer on the Brainlog Everyday Psychology (yes, also German, also my translation):

I suppose this is simply the well-known fool’s syllogism: I understand nothing about the soul and I understand nothing about quantum mechanics, so these two things must be related.

blue fibers The Entanglement of elementary particles, the wave–particle duality and “quantum properties” of the brain – naturally also mentioned in the Hörzu article, like a well-mixed stew, as well as Froböse and his book are also quoted – seem to form a welcome pretended scientific base in the phantasies of authors like these for alledged afterlife, a soul, telepathy and the like. Add a hint of actual, respectable experiments like those by Anton Zeilinger about quantum entanglement in order to “prove” that stuff – which of course only works with a lot of “selective perception”; when you take a closer look with the required meticulousness, though, such “theories” easily fall down like a house of unentangled cards.

Well, many people wish for an immortal soul, an afterlife, a beyond, and in addition or as replacement for the major religions and their church organizations, such constructs of ideas based on (pseudo-)scientific foundations may be appealing to the authors and to the public which is hopefully willing to pay for them.

Whether it’s the catering to the dreams and yearnings of the people, a “missionary work” or persuasion attempts or simply a rip-off, doesn’t matter that much in the end – if science is abused as explanation for fantasy dreams despite not yielding the claimed foundations – or as Kamenin had said it, “any mystic, religious or spiritual claims basically just try to spread nonsense when referring to a physical phenomenon” –, it annoys (not only) me all the more.

:arrow: The adequate closing words come from Niemz’ own statement (on SWR1) which, though mainly referring to the missionary work by churches, is also fitting to his books:

“So critically question and think yourself.”