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Enlightenment with Cimddology!

2008-05-26

ci Part 5 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
 

Erleuchtung Achieve ultimate enlightenment! Be 0.9997 with everything! Or even one!

As Master of Cimddological Enlightenment you will be able to virtually turn your thoughts into a cimddological atomic force picoscope and bend the spin network in all 26 dimensions at will! Clear the way to your innermost light!

The path to mastership leads over just a few tedious and absolutely overpriced bargain courses and seminars which really nobody anybody can afford! And the best: The first course is absolutely free of charge! * The succeeding courses will let you achieve easily step by step your 4D and 5D activation up to the 26D activation for all dimensions as well as the education to Microcim, Nanocim, Picocim etc., and at the end it’s just a little step to the European championship enlightenment mastership! Then everything is open to you:

  • Take a bath in quantum foam for absolute recreation!
  • Watch superstring wearers from closest distance without being noticed!
  • Learn to fly without using our extremely overpriced slop our Cimddyon Water™ Plus!

As mentioned earlier, we are always deeply honest, so we have to mention that this education is a little costly – each course costs 1000x of the one before –, since we have to finance our luxury mansions in the Caribbean our research which demands a lot of material and energy.

To support your achieving ultimate cimddological enlightenment, you should also ignore have a look at our additional offers:

  • You have problems finding and cleaning your chakras? Just forget that rubbish and let your chuckras find you! Yes, that’s right, you don’t need to search for your chuckras, the chuckras will find you! (For a “little” compensation, of course.)
  • Use our Cimddyon massage oil – an emulsion with our well-known Cimddyon Water™ – for your massages, it guides and amplifies the vibrations and energy of your massaging body parts; best use your (bald!) head or your buttocks! Who told you that nonsense about the hands transmitting spiritual energy the best way??
  • Learn to use the phases of the moon for you and e.g. impale people you don’t like with the crescent – we will show you how!

You see we won’t skip anything to give you lies solutions for all your life’s situations!

Bla!

 

* plus hall rent, travel, accomodation and catering. Course duration 5 seconds approx.

Photo by Stas Perov – Fotolia.com

Karma-astrologic computer character analysis

2008-05-22

zodiac Another “real” find that is no satire from me… this time from the German newsgroup de.admin.net-abuse.mail (translated by me for your amusement):

A woman, famous for replying to her own postings, posted in a thread that originally was about her problems to deal with spam with her antique mail software (since she says she needs DOS for her oh so great astrology program) a complete horoscope of 685 lines in order to illustrate that a few lines that were formatted as tables with blanks look bad in proportional text. Even though that doesn’t really fit the newsgroup topic “mail abuse” – on the other hand, couldn’t you see such mails full of nonsense as net abuse, too…?

No, not a horoscope – that’s rather called “karma-astrologic computer character analysis”!

:loll: By the way, you could abbreviate that as “KACCA”, if you’d wanted to be that mean…

These nearly 30 kilobytes of text contain over 4200 words, nearly 90 lines with many numbers for planet positions and besides much long blather text (which I really didn’t read in its entirety) also 137 lines with brief outlines which seem to follow no particular topical order, even within the same line – so you can find, for instance (my translations):

You could offer sanitary services, are cheerful, easy-going.

So cheerfulness and easy-going is a good prerequisite for alternative practitioners and doctors? At least doctors at hospitals will probably run into problems when they’re too easy-going, too lazy, when you think about their working time…

Your home is nature. It is Everywhere ! Your birth is connected to a secret.

Oooh, a secret! Always looks good. So I was born somewhere in the wild? Or what other connection could there be?

You have a good memory. At some time, you have something to do with seafaring.

horoscope clipping Sure, completely obvious that these two things belong together. Note that these sentences don’t follow particular planet positions, planetary relationships or planetary gear sets (with sand in them) as their “meanings” but are listed one after another by the dozen (though they probably are automatically interpreted from (or into) this planet data, anyway).

If you combine some scattered sentences, you get combinations like these:

You design your family life in a harmonic way. You are forgiving.

You mostly release your power at home, sometimes even destructively.

In love affairs you are unsteady, searching an extraordinary partner.

Harmonically unfaithful family bashers or forgiving dish-throwers, step forward!

Also matching the third line above:

You are self-confident. You are proud, faithful and moral.

Unsteady faithfulness, well that’s it! Know that from somewhere…

You are a diplomat, happy, and can make peace.

Your emotional relationships consist of quarrel and tensions.

Now is that a contradiction or the perfect combination, since the diplomat part of the person has experience in quarrels – even though (s)he can use these only outside of her/his emotional relationships?

The best one, I think, is this one:

You have a notedly strong intellect and are able to express your thoughts and formulate them in scientific ways.

And that’s what the astrologer (or the program) writes directly to astrology believers!
:lol2:

 

» Earlier posts about “The art of astrologers” (lower part) and “trustworthy horoscopes”.
» Skeptic’s Dictionary: Astrology.

Cimddological numerology – Unveil everything about yourself!

2008-05-19

ci Part 4 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
 

sexy 23 Your name tells more about you than you imagine! Unveil unforeseen meanings and character traits with our easy yet profound numerological analyses! Live error-free with the inerrable recommendations of our errors, erm, research results!

Don’t shy at the sight of many numbers and formulae – if you’re at war with math, you can still jump ahead to the table with the meanings of your very own number to get an impression of the extremest most detailedest interpretation of our super science!

Yes, earlier numerologists who had to do without modern math, calculators and computers had to resort to simple calculations with integer numbers. But we today, as even pupils learn and forget more complicated formulae as wee need here, have a whole bunch of new possibilities to express our rubbish mystic science in formulae.

And of course the natural constants we use naturally provide a much closer reproduction of nature than the so-called natural numbers (1,2,3…).

sexy 42 So let’s start unveiling of the big ti—, erm, secrets of our cimddological numerology! First step: Pick the numbers corresponding to the letters of your name from the following table (which are linked to Wikipedia; the designations appear as tooltips when the cursor hovers above them); ignore any units of measurement.

Letter attributed number Letter attributed number Letter attributed number
A nL J ℎ S F
B e K α–1 T c
C IP L ℏ U b
D u M kB V tP
E π N G W ε0
F μ0 O σ X RK
G lP P NA Y a0
H Z0 Q ωP Z Da
I kC R VP

Now calculate your superpersonal number using the following ultra-easy formulae.

IMPORTANT: Calculate as exact as possible! AVOID ROUNDING ERRORS!

These definitions apply to the following:

Index V and N: for first (V) and last (N) name (from German).
lV and lN: Length of all first and last names put together, repectively (letters only, no blanks, no hyphens etc.).
vi and ni: Value (from above table) per letter of the corresponding name part.
sV and sN: Number of hyphens in first and last name, respectively.
aGeb: Your year of birth (e.g. 1950).
dGeb: Your birthday as day of that year (e.g. Feb 3 is the 34th day).

First calculate these auxiliary values:
A_V
B_V

A_N
B_N
(Note that the exponents of the large parentheses for AV and BV contain a lN and vice versa!)

Next:
C_V
C_N

And finally:
Z

THIS Z IS YOUR PERSONAL NUMBER!

Meaning of your number:

The following coarse classification is free – a much more detailed breakdown (with billions of values!) will be offered soon for a true extortionate give-away price! [Didn’t we use these words before? Never mind…]

Value range Meaning

Z < –1016
(–10 quadrillion)

sexy 16 Now you are negative… You are probably a really big supervillain like Joker, Lex Luthor, Magneto & co. or have what it takes to be one – one day the entire world, maybe the entire galaxy will be at your feet!

Are you interested in a cooperation? Our science based on the very finest structures will be able to help your plans in crucial ways – so become a cimddological supervillain!

–1016 < Z < –10–8

You belong to the vast area of common pessimists – to you, the glass is not only always half empty, you are (especially when your number is at the lower end of this range) even scared to refill it.

Try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will lift you up!

–10–8 < Z < 0
(–0.00000001)

sexy 8 Your glass, too, is always half empty, but you don’t hesitate to make the best out of such a situation by drinking up and ordering a fresh glass.

You’ve got potential – try our Cimddyon Water™, it will exponentially potentiate your potential!

Z = 0

sexy 0 Either you are a 0, a dead loss – because you believe such imaginary stuff like this here or any other “numerology” –, or you’re not, but instead rightfully consider all of this null and void and read it just for fun.

0 < Z < 10–4
(0.0001)

sexy 4 You probably have suuuuch a small one* that you have to do something to compensate. You probably already are a superhero anyway (why else do you think they run around in crazy outfits and do great deeds if not for distraction?) or try to be; you probably also bought a large showy and overpriced car.

Keep at it, car dealers and cosmetic surgeons will like it! And try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will enlarge and raise everything!

* You know what we mean: dick. Or if you’re a woman: tits.

10–4 < Z < 1015

Well, you’re in a rather boring and square average-guy range – try our Cimddyon Water™, it will turn you into something special!

Z > 1015
(1 quadrillion)

sexy 15 You must have a truly gigantic ego the size of an entire galactic cluster – surely you have enormous problems walking through doors.

Try our Cimddyon Water™ – it will help you be more level-headed!

If your number exactly equals one of the four range limits that are not 0, you are lost and better start to live on a deserted island after crashing down on it with a plane.

 

Remember, our detailed interpretation of your number will tell you much more about yourself and offer invaluable help for your life in all circumstances!

Bla!

 

Original photo © Cristian Ilie Ionescu – Fotolia.com

Cimddyon Water™ – New energy for you!

2008-05-12

ci Part 3 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
 

THE solution for everyone who wants to help body and mind reach new performance levels!

With regular application – no, not application, that sounds too much like medicine – with regular enjoyment of our cimddologically energized water, Cimddyon Water™, [… babble something that promises heaven on earth or even better]

Through the energetically enlivened submolecular hydroxidation of the trillions-of-years-old primordial water and its new loop quantum structurization, you effortlessly overcome the gravitational effects of spatial-temporal distortion! [Nobody understands that? Fine!]

  • Jump 10 meters high – guaranteed!
    [At any rate, you can still jump 50 times 20 centimeters high.]
  • Lift a car with a single hand – guaran-damn-teed!
    [Toy cars are cars, too.]
  • Perfect for sportsmen: Pure water – absolutely not detectable by doping tests!
    [We must be in the market before the Olympics!]
  • [What to do about the lazybones unathletic ones? Ah, yes:]
    You rather work with your mind than with your body? Great, our Cimddyon Water™ also gives your brain a jump start and lifts your thoughts into undreamt of heights!
  • Also suitable for alcoholics: contains no hic particles!

no image The sale will start soon at a super special rip off introductory price – less than 0.01% of a Transrapid Maglev train line per liter! And why would you need trains anyway if you can jump great distances with absolute ease?

You are interested? You have questions? Call us and let us talk you into ask us, or pre-register without obligation: [insert extremely costly phone number here]

And already under development: Cimddyon Water™ Plus – you can even fly with it! [Drink it 39 minutes before you step into the airport… the… the central station, start yourself, erm, you basically start… your flight in the central station, er, not at all, you don’t need no airstation, airport, no ch… check-in and no ten minutes, because it is obvious, errrm.]

[Don’t forget the fine print:]

The effectiveness according to scientific criteria can never not yet be proven for all many cons glossed-over idiocies alternative methods. The same applies to the silly stuff products described in this drivel advertisement.

 

Fuck, which #&%$#$ published this draft with all annotations and corrections ?!?

 

Photo © gajatz – Fotolia.com

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