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Karma-astrologic computer character analysis

zodiac Another “real” find that is no satire from me… this time from the German newsgroup de.admin.net-abuse.mail (translated by me for your amusement):

A woman, famous for replying to her own postings, posted in a thread that originally was about her problems to deal with spam with her antique mail software (since she says she needs DOS for her oh so great astrology program) a complete horoscope of 685 lines in order to illustrate that a few lines that were formatted as tables with blanks look bad in proportional text. Even though that doesn’t really fit the newsgroup topic “mail abuse” – on the other hand, couldn’t you see such mails full of nonsense as net abuse, too…?

No, not a horoscope – that’s rather called “karma-astrologic computer character analysis”!

:loll: By the way, you could abbreviate that as “KACCA”, if you’d wanted to be that mean…

These nearly 30 kilobytes of text contain over 4200 words, nearly 90 lines with many numbers for planet positions and besides much long blather text (which I really didn’t read in its entirety) also 137 lines with brief outlines which seem to follow no particular topical order, even within the same line – so you can find, for instance (my translations):

You could offer sanitary services, are cheerful, easy-going.

So cheerfulness and easy-going is a good prerequisite for alternative practitioners and doctors? At least doctors at hospitals will probably run into problems when they’re too easy-going, too lazy, when you think about their working time…

Your home is nature. It is Everywhere ! Your birth is connected to a secret.

Oooh, a secret! Always looks good. So I was born somewhere in the wild? Or what other connection could there be?

You have a good memory. At some time, you have something to do with seafaring.

horoscope clipping Sure, completely obvious that these two things belong together. Note that these sentences don’t follow particular planet positions, planetary relationships or planetary gear sets (with sand in them) as their “meanings” but are listed one after another by the dozen (though they probably are automatically interpreted from (or into) this planet data, anyway).

If you combine some scattered sentences, you get combinations like these:

You design your family life in a harmonic way. You are forgiving.

You mostly release your power at home, sometimes even destructively.

In love affairs you are unsteady, searching an extraordinary partner.

Harmonically unfaithful family bashers or forgiving dish-throwers, step forward!

Also matching the third line above:

You are self-confident. You are proud, faithful and moral.

Unsteady faithfulness, well that’s it! Know that from somewhere…

You are a diplomat, happy, and can make peace.

Your emotional relationships consist of quarrel and tensions.

Now is that a contradiction or the perfect combination, since the diplomat part of the person has experience in quarrels – even though (s)he can use these only outside of her/his emotional relationships?

The best one, I think, is this one:

You have a notedly strong intellect and are able to express your thoughts and formulate them in scientific ways.

And that’s what the astrologer (or the program) writes directly to astrology believers!


» Earlier posts about “The art of astrologers” (lower part) and “trustworthy horoscopes”.
» Skeptic’s Dictionary: Astrology.

Astro-Cimddology – The better astrology!

ci Part 2 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…

Have you ever been annoyed by the fact that horoscopes are always so wish-wash, inaccurate, hardly relevant? No wonder, since all astrologers refer to the planets which are moving in their circles, erm, ellipses oh so far away from us – how should they ever affect us from there?

Suppose Saturn changes his mind about influencing us which electronic store we should go to – by the time this change of mind reaches the Earth’s orbit, the Earth (at 30 kilometers per second!) has already moved on a huge distance!

Or look at the sun – how should a simple gas ball have tangible effects on us? Pah! The astrologers are all wrong!

Don’t worry, the hyper­cimddologic super-research can help! With hitherto and certainly in the future unobtainable meticulousness, we found the solution: Not the planets, no, it’s the satellites and space stations and hundreds of thousands of pieces of space debris that guides our fate by spacetimeless twisting and quantum inn-tanglements – for they are much much closer to us and much harder than those gas balls, the sun and the large planets!

Let’s, for instance, remember Georgia Lass who got slain by the toilet seat of the MIR space station that crashed down on her – now if that ain’t tangible influence! But who got ever hit on the head by Jupiter or Neptune? There you have it.

Another advantage is, without any doubt, the fast earth circulations – the International Space Station ISS, for example, orbits the earth in only 92 minutes, now compare that to the many years of the outer planets! You’ll understand that satellites are much better suited and thus yield an as yet unreachable precision, and so we were able, doped by our Cimddyon Water™ (more about that next week), to make up calculate the influence of Earth’s artificial satellites down to Planck length – one decillionth of a centimeter! – on you, yes, exactly you, you exclusively personally!

(Hey, Max Planck recently would have turned 150 years old, it’s a matter of dishonor then that we use the name of such a famous, often mentioned scientist in our crap our science, too!)

Forget all the inaccurate “looks at the hours”, the horoscopes, not even minutoscopes are exact enough for us – no, we will shortly offer secondoscopes for a true extortionate give-away price! And it won’t be long – at most 42 weeks, the cimddological interpretation of the GPS satellite NAVSTAR 42 most accurately confirmed it – until we can also offer extremestely accuratestly microsecondoscopes!

And since our entire cimddological research is moving in Planck dimensions, anyway, the ultimate goal of a “Planckoscope”, based on the Planck time – a mere fifty quadrodecillionth of a second! – is anything but unobtainable! Well, for this purpose, we might have to launch a few quadrillion satellites into a low orbit (about 23 inches above the surface), but thanks to your stupidity willingness to pay, we will certainly have enough money for that.

So whether your satellite sign is Astra 1F with as(tra)cendent Meteosat-5 or Eutelsat W2 with trashcendent Sputnik-1 or whatever – look forward to the superexactest predictions of your hyperpersonal fate!



Original of the zodiac image © Baloncici – Fotolia.com.
For the image text wrap (with unfortunately missing images in the feed), see Big Baer’s tutorial.

To Be or not To Be (4): Astro-homeopathy with crayfish

bare back This is part 4 of my finds in the German esoterics magazine “Sein” (=“to be”) I had found on my train (see part 1, part 2, part 3)…

Before we really start…

The word combination in the title doesn’t mean that I am combining multiple topics in this post – oh no, this is, in all seriousness, the topic of the single-page article I’m writing about this time, written by a homeopath named Werner Baumeister.

And exactly this nice back here on the right hand side (© Elena Vdovina – Fotolia.com [affiliate link]) is also used by said article as splash photo (at nearly half of the page’s height) with the caption “When the armor/carapace is gone: vulnerable, unprotected, helpless…“ (everything translated by me) – or did you think I’d post bare skin here without reason? ;)

What is it all about?

Open Hearts
Astacus, discarding the European crayfish’s carapace
Homeopathy for the predetermined breaking point [Sollbruchstelle] of our life

This also is the title of an evening event which this homeopath organized together with an astrologer (and advertized with this article, since it’s from the March issue).

In the beginning, potentially many people are addressed “personally” right away – like newspaper horoscopes and many other mystics like to do –, people who might feel “disarmored, laid bare, naked, unprotected, defenseless, exposed”, which would apply “in times of massive changes” to many of us – yes, “of us”, the author includes himself into it, since that helps to build would-be trust (emphasis mine):

Self-doubt, dark thoughts about the future, despair, fear to get hurt, and the wish to insure oneself with others, makes us, in this thin-skinned state, welcome victims for numerous self-proclaimed clairvoyants and shady seers.

Oh how right he is – though he “forgets”, I think, numerous astrologers, homeopaths, astro-homeopaths and various other esoteric dreamers…

The crayfish

Crayfish like the noble or European crayfish (Astacus astacus; » Wikipedia) need to throw off their carapace, their armor, to be able to grow while their skin is soft, until a new carapace is completed weeks later. When looking for analogies for changes in life, such animals certainly aren’t beside the point.

But why stick with simple analogies? There can be more in it! Let’s turn this into an “elixir”, somebody’ll believe us – or we believe it ourselves –, we don’t have to care about respectable science, anyway! At least that’s the impression I’m getting here:

Homeopathically, Astacus, the crayfish, helps us when a feeling of being unprotected, being exposed, is in the foreground.

Hey, will a pinch of a pulverized ruler, dissolved in a swimming pool, help if you can’t think straight?

Or are zombies in horror movies so keen on brains just because that helps against sinking intellectual power? :mrgreen:

Enter astrology

But why use just one abstruse psychology–animal–elixir-combination when you can have two pseudosciences for the price of one? So let’s get astrology to join in:

Astro-homeopathically, these are moments where Uranus, the liberator and bomb thrower, suddenly hits on our Saturnic encrustations with his explosive force. Analogous to the crayfish carapace, Saturn represents solid body structures such as the bones, the locomotor system and of course the skin as protective organ.

Saturn drawing So diluted crayfish does now serve as a shield against bomb explosions? Or rebuilds a shield that’s been blown off, hoping the soft layer underneath has remained unharmed? Tell that to landmine vitims, they’re gonna be happy! Oh, no, in case of doubt these things are just meant as analogies, as symbols, of course. :roll:

The article then just blathers in general more about fear and possibilities (and the crayfish). But let’s carry that idea a little further for ourselves:

Should those who are afraid of being stung by the spiky crescent moon eat a little piece of cheese that’s been brought back by Wallace & Gromit?

Does Mars, the red planet, cause an addiction to Mars, the chocolate bar, and does a pinch of red pepper help against that, resolved in as much water as fits into Hebes Chasma, the deepest canyon on Mars?

If Neptun, named after the Roman god of the seas, threatens to use its influence to fluently flood us, would water diluted in water help?

Does Pluto, named after the god of the underworld, discovered only in 1930 and no longer an official “real” planet since 2006, threaten to end our successes and make us a flash in the pan, and does fine-ground ghost gauze protect us from that?

Who can think of other absurdities? But don’t peek into esoterics or astrology books and websites! ;)

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