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“Ancient Knowledge of Healing and Wisdom”

Halloween witch That (in German) is the subtitle of a German “Witch Calendar” for 2009 (publisher: Moewig-Verlag) from a certain Anthea (not shown here on the right) that I recently bought in order to have some material… Don’t worry, I won’t inundate you in 2009 every day with that (wouldn’t work anyway since Friday to Sunday have to share a single sheet)1 – I rather thought of a “Best Of” (or rather “Worst Of”) every 1-3 weeks.

For every day (or, as mentioned, for every weekend that seems to contain the Friday, too, for witches2) there is a quote or proverb and three sections:

  1. “What’s in the stars?” gives the common short horoscope platitudes, some of which rephrased for witches, and sometimes notes like the name of Thursday originating from the Germanic god Thor/Donar. The reason for putting that in this section eludes me, though. (Except for the need of putting something there, of course.)
  2. “From my witch pharmacy” covers the wide array from little household remedies to food recommendations to household tips that often make you wonder how they are supposed to be related to witches – but, well, witches have to eat, drink and keep house, too…
  3. “The witch year” sometimes tells something about the day, about “heathen” holidays, sometimes about the month (“August is named after […] Augustus”) or completely generic stuff (if nothing else could be found, I guess) and sometimes just dates of birth or death of arbitrary people somewhat relatet to mystic things – parapsychologists, occultists, stigmatized people, philosophers burnt at the stake, etc.

Well, they had to fill the approximately 250 sheets somehow… always the same drawings (a horoscope scribbling, a cauldron being stirred, and a witch on a broom; first on the left, then on the right) use up some additional space, too. “Witchcraft is cult!”, as the back side says, so there will probably be enough buyers for this – rather cheaply produced, I think – calendar (it was worth the 5€ to me all the same), and not just those that want to poke fun at it or criticize such “trivialities”…

(Alternatively, by the way, the same publisher also offers moon, moon-astro, angel, guardian angel and more calendars, as well as sudoku or cooking calendars.)

Example for the “witch pharmacy”:

Put scratching pullovers and sweaters briefly in the freezer. After that, wearing them is much more comfortable!

What ancient knowledge! About freezers!! That can only come from a witch’s pharmacy!

Well then,

Today, think dearly of those people from whom you have learned something essential for your life.

(From the “witch year” section for 15 Sep. Why 15 Sep? Well, who knows…)

  1. and it would be legally problematic, of course []
  2. I should change my job… []

Your personal horoscope

ci Even though this post only got a loose connection to my Cimddology series, it’s still a satire…

zodiac clock Unfortunately, the completion of our ung unserer Astro-Cimddology Secundoscope announced in May will be delayed a little (until about the next total solar eclipse in Germany), therefore we offer here your personal horoscope, generated according to the most latest knowledge – completely without costs, without registration, without obligations, without sense!

So just pick the appropriate options – yes, you’ve noticed correctly, we also have a sex option, you won’t find that in newspaper horoscopes!!
(Way too late “other” has been added to the options.)

Your date of birth:
Your sex:



(If you like mathematical riddles, you may try to find the rules for how which piece of text is selected… Hint: There are 6 horoscopes, 4 elements, 8 colors, 4 animals, 6 plants, 5+6 character traits, 9 recommendations (for existing days).)

Photo: zager/sxc

Lady Full Moon and her Recommendations

moon “Today is full lady moon”, Wakanda says (German) (found on the BloggerAmt directory), and “today, lady moon still stands in the sign of capricorn.” (All translations mine.) Or im sagittarius, as all other astrology sites I visited (more on that below) say, only from 23:50 on, the then waning moon will be in capricorn, but then the moment of full moon at about 19:30 will be over already. But who’s gonna be that exact with all this astrology balderdash, anyway…

Ah yeah, the moon… why can’t people just be friends with the moon and leave out all the absurd interpretations? As Basti wrote (in German) in his extensive moon calendar analysis last December:

…to the human species’ credit: It’s creative. Doggone creative.

For instance, it is able to, ahead of all other animals, make up far-fetched and thus entertaining explanations for things that seem to be inexplicable at first.

How true. By the way, did you know, dear reader, that, moon-astrologically speaking, today is a “warmth day” and tomorrow a “coldness day”? At least the sites I visited agreed on that, if they use this strange classification at all – which, however, gives them a “basis” for other stuff. So turn up your heating at midnight! (Does it matter that weather services say something different?)

They give many practical tips, of course – you just must not dare to think about them more thoroughly or even compare different astrology sites, God forbid! –, for example:

Hairs, especially those cut off or removed, apparently want to grow back much slower tomorrow (“Good time to remove hairs, they will grow back only very slowly”) than today (“For your hair to grow faster, you should cut them on a warmth day”; both mondhandy.de, and, as I said, all in German and all my translation). Though mondkalender-online.de thinks tomorrow is a bad day for cutting hair, but a good day for removing hair.

But hey, recommending a perm today, mondkalender-online? On a warmth day? Are you crazy?? Since mondhandy.de knows: “Perms hold especially long if they are made on coldness days”, i.e. tomorrow! Same applies to repotting of plants, by the way, mondhandy.de tomorrow (“coldness days are well-suited for repotting indoor plants”), mondkalender-online today. Tststs…

Important: Quickly manure your plants and beds today if the server of astrowoche.de, who recommend that, is closer to your balcony or garden than the server of astrologie-er-leben.de who advise against that!

dirty shoes The recommendation worthiness of dry-cleaning apparently skyrockets from today to tomorrow, and to any cleaning applies: In any case, wait until after midnight with washing your clothes and your shoes, because “stains are tenacious” today (astrologie-er-leben.de), but on the other hand, tomorrow is ideal for stain removal, window cleaning, metal polishing, shoe caring, etc. (mondkalender-online.de), since, as mondhandy.de educates us, “shoes can be cleaned exceptionally well and thouroghly during a waning moon.” Then you finally can get rid of your extreme dirt like on the image on the left – phew, not another week running around with this dirt!

If you have a cellphone with you, avoid any surgery in your jaw area (since that’s what mondhandy.de = “moon cellphone” tells), otherwise trust astrologie-er-leben.de who see a good time not just for jaw surgery, but also for surgery in your breast and stomach area and any aesthetic surgery. Best thing is if you add foot, hip, heart, head, neck, shoulder, shank surgery – but by no means on the bones, joints or skin! (mondhandy.de) –, intestinal and, very important, sex organ surgery into the mix (mondkalender-online.de); if you refer to these astrology sites, your health insurance will surely pay for all of it. Definitely, the stars don’t lie, the moon even less!

But beware, keep your horny skin and your warts! Tomorrow is a very bad day for removing these, especially for the disciples of mondkalender-online.de (who say that)! Unless, of course, you use your mobile phone for that, since mondhandy.de says: “Horny skin removal is particularly easy during a waning moon.” I think a Motorola RAZR (“razor”) is suited best for this purpose.

I won’t say much about the banality of statements like “Ingest a sufficient amount of vitamins and minerals, eat much fruit and vegetables” (mondhandy.de) or “Love: Those having melancholy feelings now must find diversion – read a book, go to the movies” (astrowoche.de), which even do without an explicit moon reference; standard drivel like this can be found in droves in any horoscopes. (If, that is, one stoops to reading them, e.g. for writing posts like this one…)

So in the end, all that’s left to do is follow the “Magical tips” of Wakanda’s (who, by the way, apparently deleted my pingback below her post – is she scared her readers might be overstrained with criticism? ;) ) and bind a wishing braid, and don’t forget, “with every look at the wishing braid you should visualize the wish woven into it as pictorially as possible. They will be granted soon” – yes, we already know that wishing is sooo simple, erm, simply bullshit (German); only Cimddology really knows the solution! ;)

Who will become European football champion?

Who will become European football champion?

  • Germany! (60%, 9 Votes)
  • Has to! (40%, 6 Votes)
  • In any case! (0%, 0 Votes)

Votes total: 15

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Erm, yes, this poll is not to be taken seriously…

And what do astrologers and fortune tellers say? Florian Freistetter of Astrodicticum Simplex (German) took a look around – and of course most of them make only very vague statements and platitudes like

“Silly errors, inattentiveness, misunderstandings among players or wrong decisions by the referees can be pivotal for some match results.”

(Astrologie Heute, my translation), and the few fantasts daring concrete statements surely have excuses such as

“The penalty was a good scoring chance for the Swedes which, however, missed the goal. I astrologically rated this scoring chance as a goal.”

(astrologie.de for the World Cup 2006, my translation). And I’ll realistically rate this statement as rubbish…

» To the German article on Astrodicticum Simplex.