Have you ever been annoyed by the fact that horoscopes are always so wish-wash, inaccurate, hardly relevant? No wonder, since all astrologers refer to the planets which are moving in their circles, erm, ellipses oh so far away from us – how should they ever affect us from there?

Suppose Saturn changes his mind about influencing us which electronic store we should go to – by the time this change of mind reaches the Earth’s orbit, the Earth (at 30 kilometers per second!) has already moved on a huge distance!

Or look at the sun – how should a simple gas ball have tangible effects on us? Pah! The astrologers are all wrong!

Don’t worry, the hyper­cimddologic super-research can help! With hitherto and certainly in the future unobtainable meticulousness, we found the solution: Not the planets, no, it’s the satellites and space stations and hundreds of thousands of pieces of space debris that guides our fate by spacetimeless twisting and quantum inn-tanglements – for they are much much closer to us and much harder than those gas balls, the sun and the large planets!

Let’s, for instance, remember Georgia Lass who got slain by the toilet seat of the MIR space station that crashed down on her – now if that ain’t tangible influence! But who got ever hit on the head by Jupiter or Neptune? There you have it.

Another advantage is, without any doubt, the fast earth circulations – the International Space Station ISS, for example, orbits the earth in only 92 minutes, now compare that to the many years of the outer planets! You’ll understand that satellites are much better suited and thus yield an as yet unreachable precision, and so we were able, doped by our Cimddyon Water™ (more about that next week), to make up calculate the influence of Earth’s artificial satellites down to Planck length – one decillionth of a centimeter! – on you, yes, exactly you, you exclusively personally!

(Hey, Max Planck recently would have turned 150 years old, it’s a matter of dishonor then that we use the name of such a famous, often mentioned scientist in our crap our science, too!)

Forget all the inaccurate “looks at the hours”, the horoscopes, not even minutoscopes are exact enough for us – no, we will shortly offer secondoscopes for a true extortionate give-away price! And it won’t be long – at most 42 weeks, the cimddological interpretation of the GPS satellite NAVSTAR 42 most accurately confirmed it – until we can also offer extremestely accuratestly microsecondoscopes!

And since our entire cimddological research is moving in Planck dimensions, anyway, the ultimate goal of a “Planckoscope”, based on the Planck time – a mere fifty quadrodecillionth of a second! – is anything but unobtainable! Well, for this purpose, we might have to launch a few quadrillion satellites into a low orbit (about 23 inches above the surface), but thanks to your stupidity willingness to pay, we will certainly have enough money for that.

So whether your satellite sign is Astra 1F with as(tra)cendent Meteosat-5 or Eutelsat W2 with trashcendent Sputnik-1 or whatever – look forward to the superexactest predictions of your hyperpersonal fate!

Bla!