- The Hello World Collection: “Hello World” programs in hundreds of programming languages (via Nerdcore).
- The best Jesus sightings – from pancakes to dirty cars (via BA).
- A funny spot of a no smoking campaign (via horchnet).
Astro-Cimddology – The better astrology!
Part 2 of my little satire series about mysticism and pseudoscience…
Have you ever been annoyed by the fact that horoscopes are always so wish-wash, inaccurate, hardly relevant? No wonder, since all astrologers refer to the planets which are moving in their circles, erm, ellipses oh so far away from us – how should they ever affect us from there?
Suppose Saturn changes his mind about influencing us which electronic store we should go to – by the time this change of mind reaches the Earth’s orbit, the Earth (at 30 kilometers per second!) has already moved on a huge distance!
Or look at the sun – how should a simple gas ball have tangible effects on us? Pah! The astrologers are all wrong!
Don’t worry, the hypercimddologic super-research can help! With hitherto and certainly in the future unobtainable meticulousness, we found the solution: Not the planets, no, it’s the satellites and space stations and hundreds of thousands of pieces of space debris that guides our fate by spacetimeless twisting and quantum inn-tanglements – for they are much much closer to us and much harder than those gas balls, the sun and the large planets!
Let’s, for instance, remember Georgia Lass who got slain by the toilet seat of the MIR space station that crashed down on her – now if that ain’t tangible influence! But who got ever hit on the head by Jupiter or Neptune? There you have it.
Another advantage is, without any doubt, the fast earth circulations – the International Space Station ISS, for example, orbits the earth in only 92 minutes, now compare that to the many years of the outer planets! You’ll understand that satellites are much better suited and thus yield an as yet unreachable precision, and so we were able, doped by our Cimddyon Water™ (more about that next week), to make up calculate the influence of Earth’s artificial satellites down to Planck length – one decillionth of a centimeter! – on you, yes, exactly you, you exclusively personally!
(Hey, Max Planck recently would have turned 150 years old, it’s a matter of dishonor then that we use the name of such a famous, often mentioned scientist in our crap our science, too!)
Forget all the inaccurate “looks at the hours”, the horoscopes, not even minutoscopes are exact enough for us – no, we will shortly offer secondoscopes for a true extortionate give-away price! And it won’t be long – at most 42 weeks, the cimddological interpretation of the GPS satellite NAVSTAR 42 most accurately confirmed it – until we can also offer extremestely accuratestly microsecondoscopes!
And since our entire cimddological research is moving in Planck dimensions, anyway, the ultimate goal of a “Planckoscope”, based on the Planck time – a mere fifty quadrodecillionth of a second! – is anything but unobtainable! Well, for this purpose, we might have to launch a few quadrillion satellites into a low orbit (about 23 inches above the surface), but thanks to your stupidity willingness to pay, we will certainly have enough money for that.
So whether your satellite sign is Astra 1F with as(tra)cendent Meteosat-5 or Eutelsat W2 with trashcendent Sputnik-1 or whatever – look forward to the superexactest predictions of your hyperpersonal fate!
Bla!
Original of the zodiac image © Baloncici – Fotolia.com.
For the image text wrap (with unfortunately missing images in the feed), see Big Baer’s tutorial.
Links of the Week (2008/18)
All are German this week, sorry…
- Eine gute „Einführung in Quantenphysik, Verschränkung und die Lügen der Esoterik“1 – bezieht sich natürlich nicht auf meine kleine Satire,
sondern auf den ArtikelBuch-Werbetext “Die Seele existiert auch nach dem Tod” in der WELT, auf den auch Ulrich Berger schon eingegangen ist. - Michael Palin (ja, der von Monty Python) im Interview bei der SZ.
- Atlas zur deutschen Alltagssprache, von Junge/Bub/Borsch/Kerle/… bis brutal nett – und mit einer aktueller Umfragerunde (via Pierre Markuse).
- Gelöwte Leoparden & Co. – Bizarre Grüße aus der Heraldik.
Cimddology – THE New Science!
This is the beginning of a little satire series about mysticism and pseudosciences…
Forget everything you used to know about other pseudo- and parascieneces deceptions mumbo jumbo alternative methods – no, don’t forget it, just stop believing it – and learn about our ultimate products and technologies!
With the infallible knowledge of the Wise Elders, Unwhite Veryelders and Colorless Eldersts, the authentic myths of the Skythians, the Greek and Freaks, the Minnoans and Mickoans, combined with overhyperhighest technologies such as the latest generation of scanning-tanning superhero-force microscopes, we were able to find out how the foundation of all matter and space-time itself, the spin network is working and how to manipulate it at will!
From this, we developed the new New Science Cimddology, the analysis and manipulation of the very finest structures of our reality – better than anything before!!
- Unknot balled-up DNA strings with us and bend them in new ways – to your liking!
- Drive James away from your hydrogen bonds!
- Entangle all your quantums without the risk of entangling yourself, thus controling the flight of your quantum soul into the afterlife!
- Utilize the global or even the multiversal frequency increase to repair your watches – without any “achad, shtaim, shalosh”!
- Replace your old light body with a new energy-saving light body!
- Have your dull elemental particles sandblasted and get them a new fresh quantum-chromodynamic brillance
.! - And many more!!!
You think this is all a pack of lies? Of course! No way! As any other proper pseudo- and parascience, we are of course using terms and facts from respectable, real science to give our flimflam an illusion of respectability… to make our fantasies appear real… to— well, you know what we’re trying to say. And hey, maybe we actually believe the rubbish we’re talking about ourselves!
Since we are always thoroughly honest and would never, at no times, never ever lie to you, we unfortunately have to notify you that this technologie is slightly cost-intensive.
Unfortunately it is a fact that something costs the more energy and money the smaller the objects it examines are – you get a common magnifying glass everywhere for a few bucks, a good optical microscope costs more, a CT scanner in hospitals much more, and so on. And think about the research results of many women who are said to have found a reciprocal proportionality between size/showiness (and thus cost) of cars and the size of the drivers’ genitals.
Also note that we have to finance our luxurious mansions in the Caribbean. Hence, our offers will cost a little bit, we won’t be able to change that, sorry.
Anyway:
Stay tuned and look forward to the many new products and services we will present to you in the upcoming weeks! Your life will never be the same again! Blablabla!!
Bla!
If you like this post, why not tell your friends or anyone on Digg, del.icio.us etc. about it? (But don’t spam, of course.)
Original photo woman with tape © Dana Heinemann – Fotolia.com
Anghela’s friend Nadezhda
Dating scammers – remember Anghela and once (regrettably without photos) Galina – are, of course, not that rare. This new specimen now does send country-specific mails, but without a second automatic translation – which, on one hand, doesn’t make it that intrinsically funny, on the other hand saves me the effort of trying to translate wrong German into wrong English as I did with Anghela’s mails…
Hello! How are you? I hope that all good for you and you will read my letter with a interest. — Of course I will, but I don’t think you mean the same kind of interest as me. See, I just want to make fun of mails like yours, and you’re a confidence trickster… At least, thank you for not writing such huge mails as Anghela or Galina – even though you, too, seem to know nothing about how to use line-breaks and paragraphs.
I the girl from Russia. — C’mon, there’s only one girl in Russia?? The others all found guys to date and marry in the west? Wow, good luck for me the last one found me and no-one else! — My name is Nadezhda. I am from Saint-Petersburg. I have fair hair and blue eyes. — Don’t look that blue to me in the photos. But, well, guess you never know; people have been asking “what color do my eyes look in this picture?” before… Oh, was that you, maybe??
I’m cheerful woman who like to go for sports and do all what like are usual peoples. — No need to hem and haw, say it that you like to do “it”. And, well, I’d do unusual people, too.^^ Or do you mean “do” in the sense of swindle, ruin, defeat? Doesn’t seem that far-fetched… — I am ready for creation family — What “creation family”? There’s no “creation family” here, and since that sounds like creationism-ish crap, I don’t want that.
I got your e-mail through internet dating agency. I gave my letter to agency and they have told that my letter will be send to man in Germany!!!! — Yeah, sure. But hey, you even got the country right, supposedly from my mail address’s top-level domain. Bravo! Then why didn’t you auto-translate this mail to German? Anghela used to do that… you’re not actually aware of the funny, hard-to-understand language these tools produce, are you? 
Some time back I’m with my girlfriend were going to go in your country as tourists for search of men for serious relations. But my girlfriend could not go with me. She had problems with your family. — What?? She didn’t know me – hey, I never even met Anghela – and already got problems with my family? How’d she know them? — It will be great if you can meet me and we can to have relations with you. — Erm, meet you, Nadezhda, or you and your girlfriend? I mean, not that I’d mind “relations” with two women at the same time, but… d’you really know what you’re writing about?
I hope that you will answer to me back it is very fast. I send you my photo. I hope that you will love my photo. — Well, you sent two. Alright, they’re hardly your photos, but anyway… and oh, you really modified your text since you sent it to Canada, (other than changing the country, of course), where it read “I hope that you will love wash a photo.”. Aww, wish I’d reveived that howler…
Well then, can I hope for more mails from you, “lovely_froggy@yahoo.com”, since “nadezhda” means “hope”?
PS: If you, dear reader, happen to own the rights of these photos that the scammers used: a brief e-mail is sufficient and I’ll remove them. Or do you know the actual source?
PPS: By sheer coincidence, this is actually the 419th post in my blog…